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Christmas Joke
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Salty Dog
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2015 5:14 pm    Post subject: Christmas Joke Reply with quote

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.Â

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'Â

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
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Salty Dog
Helmsman
Posts: 5718



90970 Gold -

PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2015 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the ATO sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits

They want the impossible--Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
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Salty Dog
Helmsman
Posts: 5718



90970 Gold -

PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2015 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

•A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…' He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…' He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…'
•The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.

•What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

•What’s a good Christmas tip?
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

•What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
Answer: It's Christmas, Eve!

•What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
Answer: Halo there!

• If Santa Claus is crossed with a detective then you would get what?
Answer: Santa Clues!
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Salty Dog
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Posts: 5718



90970 Gold -

PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2015 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

•A snowman loses weight in what way?
Answer: He waits for the weather to get warmer!

•What is the snowman's breakfast?
Answer: Frosted flakes!

•What is said by one snowman to the other snowman?
Answer: Can you smell carrot?

•Where the snowman does dances on?
Answer: A snow ball!

•How do you know that Santa is a man?
Answer: No woman wears the same attire every year.

•What monkeys sing on Christmas Eve in concert?
Answer: Jungle Bells, Jungle bells!

•What a big candle says to a small candle on a Christmas Eve?
Answer: I am going out for dinner tonight.

•What snowmen wear on the Christmas Eve?
Answer: Ice caps.

•If someone claps on the Christmas Eve then he should be called as —
Answer: Santapplause!

•When Santa doesn't move then what he should be called as?
Answer: Santa Pause.

•Do you know any bird that can write?
Answer: Pen-guine.
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Salty Dog
Helmsman
Posts: 5718



90970 Gold -

PostPosted: Thu Dec 24, 2015 5:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
1. You strike a match and light your nose.

2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
Christmas Elf
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
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