Cutiepie Jones and The Scourge of Spain

[captainkidd78]

Cutipie Jones walked briskly along the cobblestone streets of downtown Cartagena. An old Spanish settlement, it had once been the main prey of Drake and Hawkins, then Baal and Cote. After the French sacked the town, the Spanish invested a fortune to strengthen it's defense. No pirate, let alone a gaggle of pirates could successfully seige the city at it's present state. Jones was not here to seige, he was here to relax. His ship would be in port for another week or so, as the barnacles on the hull were slowing her down.

Jones, who had become a minor celebrity in the Carribean, was staying in the Castle de Felipe, the prize of the Spanish Indies. While there, Jones found comfort in the arms of a woman by the name of Maria de Heredia, a descendent of Cartagena's founder. Despite knowing perhaps ten words of Spanish, they hit it off right away. She actually spoke English much better than he did. Either way, Jones was in love with Maria, and she with him. She wanted to sail with him to their own island, where they would live in total happiness forever. This would please Jones as well, except for the fact that he was a "pirate" by this point and could not just leave his ship, crew, and life behind. That is why Jones was walking so briskly along the streets of Cartegena. Jones looked up towards the room that Maria occupied in the castle and decided that it was time to put down the anchor and stay with this woman. Before his very eyes, his mind was changed back for him. A volley of cannonshot sailed in toward the fort, exploding the
rooms Maria and he occupied. By the time he reached the castle, he heard something that disturbed him. The cannon came from a ship captained by Cutiepie Jones!!!

Jones made a mad dash to the dockyard, but could not find his ship. Ahead a voice called out his name. First Mate Pires stood on the deck waving the captain frantically.

"We must get out of here now!," yelled Pires.

"What happened? I heard that my ship attacked the fort?," asked Jones as he climbed aboard.

"No sir! Those shots came from someone in the bay!," retorted Pires

"Either way, they think we did it. Can we sail?," asked Jones.

Both men and their crew knew they would have to find out as two Spanish Navy barques began preparing to go underway on the far end of the dock.

Jones sat in anger as Pires checked the progress of the barque pursuit. Jones had lost another love and he was being blamed for the attack that caused it. With resolve, Jones stood up and told his men to prepare for battle. Total men onboard the frigate were 120, with 32 guns on board. The
frigate turned hard and caught a strong backwind. The barques, which were sailing side-by-side would cross the frigate on each side. Along with 12 9-pound guns, the frigate had 20 12-pound guns. The barques each had 10 cannon of the 6-pound variety. Well, needless to say after three passes, the barques were dispatched easily and any stragglers in the water were impressed into the crew, which now numbered 160. After interrogating the Spanish captain, Jones found out the true attacker and this made Jones vomit all over the deck.

[captainkidd78]

Pires stared blankly at the prisoners who were cleaning up the vomit on the deck. Jones ordered the prisoners rowed out to the land outside of Cartagena. There they constructed a rudimentary catapult, which Jones ordered the prisoners to lay upon. After the prisoners were settled, Jones ordered the catapult fired at Cartagena. The bodies of ten men were sent sailing at remarkable speed towards the walls of Cartagena. Jones and crew returned to the frigate which departed into the waning sunlight.

Jones captured a sloop, which he turned over to Pires and half of the crew. Their mission was simple. They were to assemble all scourges, demons, and pyrates for an attack against the fortress of Cartagena.

Four months passed and there arrayed in fleet formation was no less than 200 sailing ships of various descriptions. Pinnaces with frigates, barques with sloops, merchantmen with brigs. The fleet assembled south of Port Royal, and began their slow cruise to impending battle. They arrived outside of Cartagena near midnight, all dark but the candlelight of the castle and towers. Jones stood upon his bow and screamed for the attack to begin.

Pirates of great reknown took part in the battle. Some of the sailors were famous and some would later become so. Regardless, all of these men were prepared to fight, and fight they did. Shot after shot were fired at the fort, explosions ripped shards of brick and metal into the night sky. Screams of pain and morale were heard through the constant pounding of the all-powerful sea.

The ships landed, nearly all of the ships made it through the initial assault, but know they would take to land. 10,000 pirates exploded upon the beaches and the docks, killing all in their path and ascending without effort the spectacular fortress of Cartagena. Only four hours pass, and the city is no longer controlled by Spain. Jones walked forward and a gaggle of pirates came forward. The first man dropped hands and feet in front of Jones. The next man dropped legs, followed by a man with two arms and an ear. The next man dropped an ear and a nose. The next man who approached pointed to the castle tower and impaled on top of the castle was a human torso. Pires was the next pirate who came forward and threw down a human head in front of Jones. It was the head of Maria de Heredia's father. Jones spit upon the face of the dead father of his love and kicked the ball against a wall. The pirates all looked at one another and smiled.

Although the story ends rather disturbing and disgusting, it actually turns out well for Jones and crew...

They were crowned champions of the Cartagena Football Cup.