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Blonde Jokes
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spetsnaz
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 8:33 am    Post subject: Blonde Jokes Reply with quote

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"



Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."



A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"




Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.And started to run to the city

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.And.... used an animal

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man and went to bus stop




A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"



A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
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spetsnaz
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 11:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna" again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

:::______________________________________________________:::


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slowly."

:::_________________________________________________________:::

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


:::_________________________________________________________:::

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"


:::_________________________________________________________:::

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"


:::________________________________________________________:::

wo blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.

Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

:::_________________________________________________________:::


Who Says a "Blonde" is Stupid?

When she took me to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left", she turned around and went home.

She has one toe, and bought a pair of flip flops.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

When the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the "Any" key.

She thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.

When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said, "Cherry or Grape?"

She sat on the TV and watched the couch.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She was on the corner giving out potato chips, yelling, "Free Lays!".

She tried to drown her goldfish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and nearly starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.

She took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Under "Education" on her job application, she puts "Hooked on Phonics."

She thinks socialism means partying.

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of application forms where it says "Sign Here", she puts "Sagittarius".

She asked for a price check at the dollar store.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She stands up on an empty bus.

She studied for a blood test and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

She invented a solar powered flashlight.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends.

When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.

She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald's and said, "Hold the cheese".

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

She peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies.

She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.

When she got to the empty 4-way stop, she waited for the other 3 cars to get there.
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spetsnaz
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 11:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE OFFICIAL BLONDES SEX QUIZ

TRUE or FALSE?

1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.
2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
4. The G-string is part of a violin.
5. Anus is the Latin word for yearly.
6. Testicles are found on an octopus.
7. Foetus is a character in "Gunsmoke".
8. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
9. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
10. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
11. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.
12. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
13. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
14. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
15. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.
16. Climax is a weather balloon.
17. Condom is a small apartment complex.
18. Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.


How many blonde jokes are here?

Only two or three, the others are real stories.

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband,who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipmen tbefore setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event -hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can' tmake the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."


A brunette who really hates blondes is walking in the forest when all of a sudden she says a magic lamp on the ground. She says to herself,"It always works in the movies," and so proceeds to pick up and rub the lamp. A genie immediately emerges from the spout and says,"I will grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, all the blondes in the world will receive double the amount you receive. Do you understand?"



"Yes I understand," says the brunette, "and for my first wish, I want you to give my an incredibly handsome man."



"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 incredibly handsome men?"

asks the genie. The brunette replies yes and so an incredibly handsome man pops up beside her.

"For my second wish," saya the pleased brunette, "I want you to give me 1 million dollars."



"Do you understand that all the blondes in the world will receive 2 million dollars?"

inquires the genie. The brunette replies yes and a large pile of money pops up on her other side.

Growing even more excited the brunette says calmly, "Lastly - you see that stick over there? I want you to beat me half to death with it."




~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.

~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

~ under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

~ she tripped over a cordless phone.

~ she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

~ at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"... she put 'Sagittarius.'

~ she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

~ if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.



There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..."

Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says,"What are you doing?"

The brunette replies,"Just counting."

The blonde says,"May I join you?"

"Yes," replies the brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..."

A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22, 22..."


Two men,one a brunette and the other a blonde,were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach. The brunette guy says, "what works for me is this : go to a grocery store, buy a potato and put it in your swim trunk."

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks - with no luck. He says to his brunette friend that he DID put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck. The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, "you ass-hole! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!"
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