Jokes directly or just slightly associated with sex

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

An Oldie - but a Goodie.

3 guys lined up at a firering squad.

Aussie,American - and an Irishman

The Squad Leader Calls - Ready ! Aim !

And the Aussie quickly yells out " Earthquake ", the squad rush and take cover - the Aussie runs to Safety.

So they Try again :

The Squad Leader Calls - Ready ! Aim !

And the American yells - " Tornado ! " the squad rush and take cover - the American runs to Safety.

So they try the third Time :

The Squad Leader Calls - Ready ! Aim !

And the Irishman yells in a Loud Clear Voice - " Fire ! "

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who=was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments..

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with

heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES

ExtraCrispy · Boatswain Posts: 3923 **39052 Gold** -

There are 10 types of people. Those who get binary and those who don't.

I don't want to know how my joke is related to sex... Shocked

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

Visual Joke :

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

Mejia was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow , Pink and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
' Yellow ' , this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

ExtraCrispy · Boatswain Posts: 3923 **39052 Gold** -

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

One day while walking up the stairs - I met a man who wasn't there.

He wasn't there again today - I wish that man would go away.

ExtraCrispy · Boatswain Posts: 3923 **39052 Gold** -

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

ExtraCrispy · Boatswain Posts: 3923 **39052 Gold** -

Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
A. He only comes once a year, and that's down the chimney.

ExtraCrispy · Boatswain Posts: 3923 **39052 Gold** -

I don't get this one:
What did Freud say was between fear and sex?
Answer: Fünf

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? - The ass hole is usually in charge!

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

So, there is a guy in his final year at University, and he decides to do a thesis on Sheep Shagging. (Strange behaviour, considering he was studying Electronics ... but, never mind ... I digress).

He calls upon a Surrey Sheep Farmer to ask his opinions.

'Well, I gets the hind legs ... stuffs them into me wellies ... and then takes them from behind. That's it.'

'Oh, thank you' says the student, taking copious notes along with sketches etc.

Next he visits a farm down in Dorset.

'What are your view on sheep shagging?' he asks boldly.

'Well, you've got to take the hind legs, stuff them into the wellingtons, and then take the sheep from behind. That's all there is to it'

'Oh. Thank you very much for your information' the student replies, once again scribbling away in his notebook.

The Student, intent on finding out the most about sheep shagging from farmers far and wide, visits Wales.

'How do you sheep shag?' he confronts one farmer.

And once again he gets the same reply. 'Take the hind legs. Stuff them into the wellingtons. Give the sheep one from behind.'

Scottish farmers gave The Student the same answer. Maybe it was something to do with Great Britain or something ... so he travels to Europe.

All across Greece, Turkey, Italy, Austria, France ... no matter where he went he got the same answer 'Take the hind legs. Stuff them into the wellingtons. Take the sheep from behind.'

The Student began to get depressed. No matter where he went, would he ever get a different answer? Surely there must be someone, somewhere, that shagged sheep differently.

He travelled to the Southern Hemisphere.

At New Zealand he obtained the same answer to the same question.

'Take the hind legs. Stuff them into the wellingtons. Take the sheep from behind.'

Finally he manages to find a small outback farm in the middle of Australia. He approaches the sheep farmer and explains his predicament. Gladly the Australian sheep farmer explains his method.

'Well, you get the sheep; throw it on its back; spread its legs and then do the business.'

'Eh? ... ' replied The Student, incredulously. 'You don't put the legs in the wellingtons and take the sheep from behind?'

'WHAT!?', says the Aussie Farmer ... 'And miss out on all the kissing??!!!

Captain Redbeard · Seaman Posts: 169 **1466 Gold** -

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in the Ukraine. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 2000 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners. He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock quarry down the road. The work isn't easy, but you will get used to it. Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights."

Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong enough that it isn't a real problem.

However, by the time Thursday comes around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely. With the nearest women 2000 miles away, he can't imagine how the other miners endure from day to day. So, he approaches the manager.

"What do you want?" asks the manager.

"Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but ... well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?"

"Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something."

The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well over a hundred years old. At the end is a barrel.

The manager says: "The other miners use this."

"What?"

"Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out."

Paul is decidedly skeptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he gives it a shot. He absolutely can't believe the results. He practically busts a nut--the best damned blow job he's ever gotten.

Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even better than last time. Truly unbelievable!

So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday. He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He can't think of much to do, so he heads off to visit the barrel. On his way to the mine, he bumps into the manager, who asks him:

"What are you doing here?"

"It's my day off ..."

"Day off? Hell no! It's your turn in the barrel."

ExtraCrispy · Boatswain Posts: 3923 **39052 Gold** -