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Jokes directly or just slightly associated with sex
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Captain Redbeard
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:20 pm    Post subject: Jokes directly or just slightly associated with sex Reply with quote

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married. "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"



After a moment of silence, he farted

--------------------------------------------------------------

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriends Christmas
present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long ,he decided
after careful consideration,that a pair of gloves would strike the right
note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair
of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for
herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the
sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers, Without checking Ron
sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following
letter:-

Dear Sasha,
I chose these because i've noticed that you are
not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for
your sister i would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she
wears shorter ones which are easier to remove,
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.


She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and
shiny, In fact she she has'nt needed to wash it since she began wearing
them,
I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Ron.

P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing...

--------------------------------------------

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge. Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless. He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton. But Elton starts crying. "What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

--------------------------------------------

4 friends hadn't seen each other in 30 years and were talkin about their kids.

1st Man-"My son is my pride & joy-studied Economics&Business admin and works for a successful Company and is now president of that Co. He is SO rich he gave his best friend,a top of the range Merc.for his b'day".

2ndGuy-"Darn that's terrific! My son became a pilot& is now a partner in the Co. where he owns the majority of assets. He is SO rich he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his b'day".

3rd guy "Well that's terrific! My son became an engineer, started his own construction Co & is now a multimillionaire! Gave his best friend a 30,000sq.ft Mansion.

The three congratulated each other & asked the 4th guy what his son was...

"My son is gay and makes a living as a stripper".
3rd man said "What a shame & a disappointment!"
4th man replied "NOT AT ALL! He's my son & I love him & he hasn't done too bad either. His b'day was a few weeks ago & he received a beautiful 30,000sq.ft Mansion, a brand new jet & a top of the range Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!"

-----------------------------------------

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; for example:


1. Ziploc Bags -- are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Copiers -- are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tires -- are Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4. Sponges -- are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

5. Hot Air Balloons -- are Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

6. Web Pages -- are Female, because they're always getting hit on.

7. Subways -- are Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

8. Hourglasses -- are Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammers -- are Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but are handy to have around.

10. Remote Controls -- are Female...Ha! You thought they'd be male. However, consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

------------------------------

Now come with yer own. I'm tired of copy-pasting. Wink
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Captain Redbeard
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

+=>++
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Jack The Ripper
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 11:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha! The second joke was hilarious Very Happy

I like a few of those list things too Wink
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Captain Redbeard
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 12:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Captain Redbeard wrote:
+=>++

Nobody but me thought that was funny? Question
Me plus Kendril's Daughter lead to Me plus Kendrils plus Entusiastic Beginers.
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rupertlittlebear
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 2:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Captain Redbeard wrote:
Captain Redbeard wrote:
+=>++

Nobody but me thought that was funny? Question
Me plus Kendril's Daughter lead to Me plus Kendrils plus Entusiastic Beginers.
oh heck I read it as

2 barmaids (greater than or equal to) 2 barmaids + dwarves
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Captain Redbeard
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

rupertlittlebear wrote:
Captain Redbeard wrote:
Captain Redbeard wrote:
+=>++

Nobody but me thought that was funny? Question
Me plus Kendril's Daughter lead to Me plus Kendrils plus Entusiastic Beginers.
oh heck I read it as

2 barmaids (greater than or equal to) 2 barmaids + dwarves

Hahahahaha!!! Smile
The first image which is quite dark is a miniature of the picture of Captain Redbeard that I got in my signature.
The topic IS "Jokes directly or just slightly associated with sex" you know. Razz
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rupertlittlebear
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 10:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Captain Redbeard wrote:
The topic IS "Jokes directly or just slightly associated with sex" you know. Razz
um

reconsider my previous post.
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Bllasae
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:21 am    Post subject: Re: Jokes directly or just slightly associated with sex Reply with quote

Captain Redbeard wrote:
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; for example:


1. Ziploc Bags -- are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Copiers -- are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tires -- are Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4. Sponges -- are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

5. Hot Air Balloons -- are Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

6. Web Pages -- are Female, because they're always getting hit on.

7. Subways -- are Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

8. Hourglasses -- are Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammers -- are Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but are handy to have around.

10. Remote Controls -- are Female...Ha! You thought they'd be male. However, consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Wow, aren't you a bit partial to females? Are you a female, Mrs.Redbeard? lol
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Captain Redbeard
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Accutally I just copy-pasted it. Razz
I thought it was kinda funny.
The person I copied it from on another forum was a woman accutally.
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Bllasae
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Captain Redbeard wrote:
Accutally I just copy-pasted it. Razz
I thought it was kinda funny.
The person I copied it from on another forum was a woman accutally.

Thought so Very Happy
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Sir W. Raleigh
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 9:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good show Redbeard! I laughed throughout. I confess to completely missing the chem equation thing but the rest is hilarious!

Pray tell, did most or all of that come from UK sources? I discern a British flavor, to wit: "shag" is iirc UK slang; "knickers", again commonly UK term, and who the divvul is "Kylie Minogue"?

Thanks for posting these, sorry I don't have anything worthy and/or decent enough to post in reply.

Laughing Laughing Laughing + 1/2
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Captain Redbeard
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, it was a British woman who posted it.
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ExtraCrispy
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A German, an Irishman and a Scotsman were all arrested in jail. Before they were arrested they could have one wish.

The German screams out OKTOBERFEST! Arr! And finds himself carrying two mugs of the finest German beer.

The Scotsman says I want my wife! So he and his wife were locked up in the jail.

The Irishman says "I'll take the German!"
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sparticus
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

3 Men - in the New Guinea Jungle - where head Hunters and cannibals still exist - get caught by the natives.


They are told that they must go off into the Jungle - Pick 5 Fruit of the same kind - and return - then they must perform a task.

If they make any sound during that task - they will be instantly be-headed.

So Off they trot.

The 1st returns with 5 apples - the Cannibals tell him - you must push all 5 of these fruit into your anus.

So he goes - 1, pause 2, pause 3, pause 4 then he groans - and Off comes his head.

Then second guy comes back with 5 peas - and - the Cannibals tell him - you must push all 5 of these fruit into your anus - he smiles and goes really quickly 1,2,3,4 - then suddenly laughs - so Whoosh - Off comes his head.


The 2 guys meet at the pearly gates - and the 1st guy - says - " why did you laugh - you had it made "

He says - " I could not help it - as I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples"
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ExtraCrispy
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your joke had be laughing nonstop!

Wow... I never you knew you that evil! Twisted Evil Let me never underestimate you and your sense of humor again Sparticus! Evil or Very Mad

Here's another cannibal joke I heard:
Three British colonists (an Irishman, Scotsman, and a English guy) were sent to South Africa. On the way their shipped crashed they found themselves in the middle of Africa surrounded by cannibals.

The chief offered them a choice "Death or bazook".
The scotsman goes first Being too brave (and drunk). He says "I'll take bazook! It can't worse than death!"

The cheif pulls down the Scotsman's pants and *ahem* Wink bazooks him.

The two other colonists were petrified. Shocked The Brit said "I have kids. I have a family. I can't take death!" and the chief pulls down his pants and *ahem* bazooks him.

The Irishman's turn. He screams "NO! I AM A PROUD MAN! I"D RATHER SUFFER DEATH!"

The chief says "Fine then. Bazook to death!"
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