Back in Soviet Russia...
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MongSpirit
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:48 am Post subject: Back in Soviet Russia... |
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During the Soviet era, a Chukcha (siberian native) went off on a trip to Moscow to see what it was like. Upon his return, the other villagers were very excited and begged to hear of his experiences in the west.
"Come on, tell us everything" they called. "What is it like in the big city?"
"Oh it was wonderful," the Chukcha replied. "They say that everything now is for the betterment of man. And you know what...?
I even met that man myself!"
A couple of guys are whiling away the time while imprisoned in a Soviet jail.
One of them asks the other "So, what are you in for? Street crime, or something political?"
"A political charge, of course" the other man replied.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yep. I'm a plumber, you see. One day I got a call to head over to the party headquarters and check out the sewage. I inspected everything, then said 'Sorry, but this entire system needs replacement.'
So they locked me up for ten years."
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CAPTAINcredible
Seaman
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 2:54 am Post subject: |
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MongSpirit
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:09 pm Post subject: |
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A few more:
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Russian are all trying to argue about the nationality of the biblical figure, Adam.
The Frenchman says: "Adam must have been French, just look at how passionately he made love to Eve."
The Brit says: "Surely Adam was British. Just look at how he gave his only Apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."
The Russian says: "Come on guys, Adam was Russian. Who else, having no clothes to wear and only a measly apple, would still believe he was in paradise?"
A guard asks one of his prisoners: "How long will you be in here?"
"Ten years," the prisoner replies.
"What were you convicted of?"
"Nothing."
"That's rubbish," the guard says. "They only give you five years for nothing."
A Russian radio station broadcasted the following:
"Last week, we asked our listeners to define the easiest way of explaining 'Communism.'
Their answer- With your fists."
A Russian radio station broadcasted the following:
"Last week, we asked our listeners to define a 'Russian musical duet.'
Their answer- A Russian musical quartet after a tour abroad."
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Roland
Helmsman
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Russian found a genie lamp. The genie granted them the customary three wishes, and they agreed that each would make one wish.
The Frenchman began, "My neighbor has a beautiful vineyard, from which he makes the best wine. Give me a vineyard like my neighbor's." And it was done.
The Englishman said, "My neighbor has beautiful formal garden where he can go to refresh himself and entertain his friends. Give me a garden like my neighbor's." And it was done.
The Russian said, "My neighbor has a goat, and I do not. Kill my neighbor's goat."
A genie says to a Russian peasant, "I will grant you any wish, but remember that I will give your neighbor twice what I give you." The peasant thinks for a while and responds, "Poke out one of my eyes."
In the Soviet Union, the government newspaper was called Izvestiya (which means news), and the Communist Party newspaper was called Pravda (which means truth).
The people had a saying: In Izvestiya there is no pravda. In Pravda there is no izvestiya.
The officially approved art style of the Soviet Union was socialist realism. Here is the most comprehensible description of that art style:
Impressionism is painting what you see. Expressionism is painting what you feel. Socialist realism is painting what you're told.
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MongSpirit
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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^ Ha, those were good.
An elderly woman asked her granddaughter:
"Anna, tell me what they say about Communism in your school. What is it like?"
"Well," the young girl replied. "They tell us that when Communism comes, everything will be wonderful. The shops will be full, and people will be able to eat bread, sausages, butter, and all kinds of things. Everyone will be able to buy whatever they want."
"Ah," the old woman smiled. "Just like under the Tsar."
Brezhnev and Napoleon meet each other in heaven.
"Damn, if only we'd had an excellent commander like yourself in the Red Army. Then the Germans would have never crossed our borders."
"Yes," Napoleon replies. "And if I'd had a newspaper like your 'Pravda', no one would have heard of Waterloo."
Stalin, Krushchev, and Brezhnev are all traveling together on a train. The train breaks down.
"Fix it!," orders Stalin. The engineers repair the train, but still it doesn't move.
"Shoot everyone!" Stalin orders. They shoot everyone on board, but yet again the train refuses to move.
Stalin then dies.
"Rehabilitate everyone!" calls Krushchev. All the people are rehabilitated, but the train does not move. Krushchev is kicked off.
"Quick, close the curtains," Brezhnev orders. "And pretend we're moving!"
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Mr. Blue
Rigger
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Posted: Thu Jan 16, 2014 4:23 am Post subject: |
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Word got around in a Russian village that there was meat available at the butcher shop, and everyone got in line outside. After about an hour, an official stepped out of the butcher shop and said,
"There is not enough meat. The Jews must all go home."
About an hour later, the official stepped out again to say there was not enough meat. This time he sent home everyone who was not a member of the Communist party.
An hour later, he stepped out and announced that there was still not enough meat, and that everyone who had not served in the Russian Revolution should go home. After that, only two old men were left.
Three hours later, the official came out and said, "Sorry, there is no meat. You may as well go home."
As they turned to leave, one of the old men said to the other. "You know what bothers me about this? Not the six hour wait standing in the cold. Its that somehow the Jews always get the best of it." _________________ " ... the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it. " George Eliot |
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