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Another Pirate Joke
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Salty Dog
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191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 2:53 pm    Post subject: Another Pirate Joke Reply with quote

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--yarrgh, er, pooped--in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!" "Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
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Salty Dog
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191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 2:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''
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Salty Dog
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191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 2:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat."
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Roland
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Salty Dog wrote:
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Hmmm. A red shirt would make a great mod for the game.

Brown pants are already the default . . .
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sparticus
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Roland wrote:
Salty Dog wrote:
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Hmmm. A red shirt would make a great mod for the game.

Brown pants are already the default . . .


The Old Brown Trousers Time Smile
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Captain Teague
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2015 11:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Salty Dog wrote:
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''
Roland wrote:
Salty Dog wrote:
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Hmmm. A red shirt would make a great mod for the game.

Brown pants are already the default . . .

Your jokes crack me up. I agree with the others, we need a red shirt mod. Hopefully it will work out better for us than it does for the Star Trek people.
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Rusty Edge
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2015 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Roland wrote:
Salty Dog wrote:
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Hmmm. A red shirt would make a great mod for the game.

Brown pants are already the default . . .


That's why I wear this vest.
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Salty Dog
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191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CAPTAIN SMITHERS In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head - a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go f*** herself."
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Salty Dog
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Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. he knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.

"oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "but where are your buccaneers?"

the kid gets really mad, and says "on the sides of my buckin' head!"
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Salty Dog
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191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,

"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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Salty Dog
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Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Pirate ship comes ashore for a night at a mysterious island between Arabia and India. The first mate ends up in a bar sitting at a table with an oil lamp on it. The lamp is dirty, so he rubbs it clean, and a great genie comes out, granting him any three wishes he wants. Immediatly he wishes for a huge mug of beer that can never run dry. "Granted" says the genie. Excitedly the pirate downs the entire mug, and as promised, it magically refills it self. He empties it again, and it again, magically refills, just like he wanted. "This is great!" he says. "And what about your second and third wished?" asks the geni. The pirate, still excited about his mug quickly says, "I'll have two more just like this!"
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Salty Dog
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191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How can you identify an blind pirate?

He's the one with patches over both eyes.
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Salty Dog
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191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A pirate walks into a bar and the tender asks "Why do you have that steering wheel hanging out of your pants?"

The pirate says," Ayyy... It's driving me nuts."
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Salty Dog
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Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2015 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.

Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.

Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on.

All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week.

The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies...

The first week after wasn't too bad.

The second week was getting sort of bad.

The third week was getting pretty bad.

The fourth week was really bad.

The fifth week was horrible!

By the sixth week it was unbearable...

So they buried her.
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Salty Dog
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Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2015 7:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we’re off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. “I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe .”

“I see,” the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied the captain, “this is the Staten Island Ferry.”
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