Shop  •   Avatar  •   FAQ  •   Search  •   Memberlist  •   Usergroups  •   Profile  •   Log in to check private messages  •   Log in  •  Register 

Another Pirate Joke
Post new topic   Reply to topic     Forum Index -> Jokes Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 28, 29, 30, 31, 32  Next
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Oct 11, 2015 8:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If 1
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn't a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 - it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Oct 11, 2015 8:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If 2
If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned.

If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman)

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it.

If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Sun Oct 11, 2015 8:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If 3
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but

If you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you understand it, it is obsolete.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Human Body Facts 1
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

Fidgeting can burn about 350 calories a day.

Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.

It takes approximately 12 hours for food to entirely digest.

A baby is born without kneecaps. They appear between age 2 and 6.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

The arteries and veins surrounding the brain stem called the "circle of Willis" looks like a stick person with a large head.

Brushing your teeth regularly has been shown to prevent heart disease.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

Men get hiccups more often than women.

Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.

The Amish a diet high in meat, dairy, refined sugars and calories. Yet obesity is virtually unknown among them. The difference is since they have no TVs, cars or powered machines, they spend their time in manual labor.

As of January 1, 2004, the population of the United States increases by one person every 12 seconds. There is a birth every eight seconds, an immigrant is added every 25 seconds, but a death every 13 seconds.

Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Human Body Facts 2
As you age, your eye color gets lighter.

There are 206 bones in the adult human body, but 300 in children (some of the bones fuse together as a child grows).

The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year.

The longest living cells in the body are brain cells which can live an entire lifetime.

There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Animal Kingdom".

Life expectancy for Russian men has actually gone down over the past 40 years. A Russian male born today can expect to live an average 58 years.

In 1985, the most popular waist size for men's pants was 32. In 2003, it's 36.

Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.

In 2004, one in six girls in the United States enter puberty at age 8. A hundred years ago, only one in a hundred entered puberty that early.

Newest trend in the Netherlands: Tiny jewels implanted directly into the eye.

A British gymnast survived a fall from a fourth story window because he went into a somersault and came down on two feet.

Jeffrey and Sheryl McGowen in Houston turned to vitro fertilization. Two eggs were implanted in Sheryl's womb, and both of them split. Sheryl gave birth to two sets of identical twins at once.

In 1991, the average bra size in the United States was 34B. Today it's 36C.

The average North Korean 7-year-old is almost three inches shorter than the average South Korean 7-year-old.

Every year, 2700 surgical patients go home from the hospital with metal tools, sponges, and other objects left inside them. In 2000, 57 people died as a result of these mistakes.

We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.

Pain is measured in units of "dols". The instrument used to measure pain is a "dolorimeter".
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

True Facts DEBUNKED!
First fact is incorrectly worded, as it is currently written you imply there are only ten children in Europe of which one was born on an Ikea bed, it should read "One in every ten".

There is no correlation between zinc and copper levels in the body and intelligence. There is a correlation however between the two metals and memory.

Elementary school didn't exist as we know it in Mark Twain's time, nor did Mark Twain actually "exist" until Samuel Langhorne Clemens came up with the pseudonym. Clemens did graduate from his grammar school which so happened to go from grades 1 as we know it to grade 8. He then went on to a prep school which he promptly left.

Proportional to our weight, men are not stronger than horse. Ironically measured in horse power, a fully grown male horse (stud) which can way as much as half a ton has more pulling strength than three fully grown men of average build.

Pilgrims actually never had a "first thanksgiving" which is a misconception, it was the settlers that came prior to them that had the fabled first thanksgiving, which was mostly of dried meats and late harvest foods (pumpkins, gourdes) ironically no corn was involved.

Heinz Catsup can travel at various speeds from a bottle, depending on type of bottle (squeeze or glass) or by method of removal (spoon, straw, or drip).

Hummingbirds can weigh in at various weights, the lightest one is about an ounce (see Nymph Taxon) a penny weighs in at about .7 grams.

While licking a stamp might give you 1/10 a calorie in energy from the glue (which I doubt) you spend at least 4 calories completing the task.

Several states are bigger than England, including Wisconsin, Minnesota, most of the Western States. Only 3 are smaller, Rhode Island, Maryland, and Vermont.

Thomas Edison didn't invent the lightbulb, that honor goes to the Egyptians over 4000 years ago. Also, Egyptians slept on wool and grass reeds, not stone. Also the average life span of Egyptians 3000 years ago was 45 years, with an infant mortality of nearly 60%.

Sorry, try one in 300 Americans has appeared on TV, of which only 13% are on purpose.

Owls are not the only birds who can see the color blue, in fact all nocturnal hunters can see the color blue, as well as the Emu, Ewe, Ostrich, most hummingbirds, and most birds which subsist on insects. Birds actually have a greater visual range than humans. Humans can see and differentiate about 300 million colors, while most birds can differentiate around 500 million shades.

There were plenty of ponies in the Pony Express, because the term was used differently 150 years ago. A pony then was any horse under the age of 6.

Honey bees don't have hair.

Elephants can jump and do it quite well, often into water. However they do get scared by mice.

The US Fed never issued a 5-cent bill. A few states prior to the establishment of a national currency did, but it quickly died off.

Bats turn what ever direction they hear empty first, left or right, this is determined also by the lead bat in a swarm and ques from the swarm.

The praying mantis isn't the only insect that can turn it's head, in fact many can including the dung beetle and rhino beetle. Most ants can too.

Pants are still a dirty word in England in the same sense that Panties are a dirty word here in the US. They mean the same thing, which is often confusing for Americans going over there and Brits coming over to the US.

Lemons and Strawberries sugar content varies actually and it depends on what you mean by "sugar" if you mean mannose and N-acetylglucosamine then you'd be right.

Hate to break it to you but screeched and strengths both have two syllables. Screeched has three: scree-ch-ed, where strengths is broken into two: streng-ths

Not all soldiers from all countries salute with the right hand, in fact in the US it is customary to solute with the strong hand, or which ever handed side you are. The Salute was originally a means to show you were un-armed raising the hand to uncover the face or visor with the strong hand, often the right hand. In some countries this isn't the practice though. In Japan if salutes are used (rare as it is) it's always with the left hand, so the right hand is ready to strike.

You should really read the history of the microwave oven. The microwave oven wasn't invented by accident, in fact it was made on purpose as a test container for the weaponization of microwaves. Many a lab rat and gerbil were exploded in the device before it was considered too inhumane and other purposes were dreamed up for it.

Neither moisture nor air have anything to do with superglue drying, superglue dries because of an exothermic reaction which occurs between Nitrogen and Cyanoacrylate. The Cyanoacrylate bonds to materials as nitrogen in the air bonds creating covelent bonds at the atomic level. It literally changes the chemistry of the objects being bound through a nitrogen chain. Crazy glue on the other hand relies on the evaporation of certain chemicals to create a adhesive bond between materials which is not atomic level but at best microlevel bonding.

Hate to tell you this as well but: The amount of the US that is wilderness is 12% while Africa comes in at a whooping 87%. Wilderness is any inhabitable land; that is wild or untamed. Unmodernized. The whole Sahara (which means literally big desert) is wilderness and it takes up almost 50% of the entire continent. Of which only 10% of it is inhabited and habitable. Central African consists of about 60% jungle/Rain Forest with the remainder being water works, micro-tribal communities and irrigated land. South Africa (not the country but the region) is the most populated of the continent.

Technically speaking all of the land in the US is owned by the government, as the government is the people...this is semantics.

The position of a statue in a park of a war hero or any person has nothing to do with how they died. This is a myth.

There are rats in every part of the world, including Alberta Canada.

There are many venomous snakes in Maine, there are just no indigenous species of venomous snakes in Maine. Snakes also eat many things, not just other animals. This varies species to species. Boa Constrictors are known to eat fruit, and there is in fact a snake that eats fruit found in Bolivia as a major part of it's diet.

North Dakota has had over 300 recorded earthquakes and tremors, in fact every state in the US has had earthquakes and tremors.

Chimps are not the only animals that can recognize themselves in mirrors. Apes, Humans, cats, dogs, some birds, and some snakes can also recognize themselves. Yes humans are animals.

Bats can and do walk, just like all other mammals.

In England the Speaker of the house is the representative of the given controlling political party and does speak quite often.

The cable cares of San-Fran aren't the only national monuments that move. The Seattle Space Needle rotates, the Statue of Liberty moves along a tilt balance in the wind, and all "national monuments" are technically moving through space on Earth, both rotating around the Earth's Axis but revolving around the sun.

In Comic-Strips the person who speaks first is often but not always the first person to come along in the reading order. In the case of Manga (Japanese comics) it's the person on the Right of the Page.

People in China and Japan die disproportionately on the 4th of each month because the words death and four sound alike, and they are represented by the same symbol.~total myth. In fact more people die near the end of the month, because in Japan and China pay is often monthly and shortage of food is common in rural areas.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Things to Learn from Children 1
A 3 year old cannot fly like a super hero when jumping from the top bunk even though he is screaming 'I am Soop Man' on the way down! (thanks to Jenniferty)

Hot Wheels cars in a dark hallway at 2 am can cause a broken hip. (thanks to Jenty)

A 3 year old boy who is told not to go outside and play in the dirt will bring the dirt inside, mix it with water and build roads on the new living room carpet. (thanks to Margaret Johnson)

A can of soda will make a great geyser when hit with a hammer. A 12 pack makes a BIG puddle. (thanks to Margaret Johnson)

You should not stand too close to a fire alarm in a large grocery store if your child is in the basket. (thanks to Virginia Boudreau)

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year old child's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan and tie it to a paint can, it does spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (including double pane windows) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush along with the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

Play-Doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

Super glue may be forever, but nail polish remover isn't. (thanks to Darlene Forsman)

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Things to Learn from Children 2
VCRs do not eject sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke (and lots of it).

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably don't want to know what that smell is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in my town has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does make cats dizzy, however.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going, and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What You Learn in College 1
Quarters are like gold.

Flip-flops become as important as soap, and shampoo.

Asleep by 2:30 AM is an early night.

New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos.

Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

Duct tape heals all wounds.

Showers become less important.

Sleep becomes more important.

10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class.

Going to the mailbox was never an ego-booster (or ego-breaker) before.

You begin to nap again.

The book your professor wrote is always required for his class.

E-mail becomes your second language.

Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.

You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.

Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.

Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

College girls are the same as high school girls - just with more freedom, and no curfew.

Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression, but it's not.

Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What You Learn in College 2
Ordering food at 1 AM is a common occurrence.

The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

You never realized how cool you can be.

TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

You realize how great your hell summer job was once you have to study.

Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temperatures, and roommates snoring.

You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.

You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties.

You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not.

Procrastination becomes an art.

Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.

The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.

Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

Amount of alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.

You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

Classes: the later the better.

The cute girls actually talk to you now.

Care packages make it all worthwhile.

The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.

Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What You Learn in College 3
Any game can be made into a drinking game.

Disney movies are more than just classics.

Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.

Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

ATMs are the devil's advocate.

Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

You almost forget how to drive.

You'll drink anything if it's free.

People still cheat; it's just more technologically advanced.

You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

Always wear your safety goggles. They're not kidding.

You don't learn last names.

Card games never lasted for hours before.

Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

Boys will dance in college.

People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

You are NEVER alone.

It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the Lucky Charms in the cafeteria are the real thing.

People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send some cookies.

You never realized how quiet your house was.

Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and / or mold in them.

You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

Your life will never be the same again.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are You Old? 1
Children today have no idea what a skeleton key is, unless they have seen the movie "Skeleton Key".

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They probably don't know that there was a FIRST Persian Gulf War.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

The size of a silver dollar or half dollar mean nothing to them.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. They know what a Compact Disc is, but they probably have never bought one.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 50 cents.

They have always had an answering machine, but not in the house.

Most have never seen a black-and-white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been DVRs, but they have no idea what BETAMAX is.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 11:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are You Old? 2
Children today cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a Walkman is.

Roller-skating has always meant in-line skating for them.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?" or "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "De plane, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 5:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stages of Life #1 What stage are you?

MALE - WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Age 17 25
Age 25 35
Age 35 48
Age 48 66
Age 66 17

FEMALE - WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Age 17 17
Age 25 25
Age 35 35
Age 48 48
Age 66 66

MALE - DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

Age 17 "Tongue"
Age 25 "Breakfast"
Age 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
Age 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
Age 66 "Got home alive."

FEMALE - DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

Age 17 "Burger King"
Age 25 "Free meal"
Age 35 "A diamond"
Age 48 "A bigger diamond"
Age 66 "Home Alone"

MALE - IDEAL DATE

Age 17 Triple Stephen King feature at the drive-in
Age 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
Age 35 "Just come over."
Age 48 "Just come over and cook."
Age 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

FEMALE - IDEAL DATE

Age 17 He offers to pay
Age 25 He pays
Age 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
Age 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
Age 66 He can chew breakfast

MALE - SEDUCTION LINE

Age 17 My parents are away for the weekend!
Age 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend!
Age 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
Age 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
Age 66 My second wife is dead.

FEMALE - EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
Age 17 Need to wash my hair
Age 25 Need to wash and condition my hair
Age 35 Need to color my hair
Age 48 Need to have Francois color my hair
Age 66 Need to have Francois color my wig
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic     Forum Index -> Jokes All times are GMT
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 28, 29, 30, 31, 32  Next
Page 29 of 32

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group