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Another Pirate Joke
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 5:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Stages of Life #2
And where are YOU?

PAGE 2

MALE - FAVORITE DRINK

Age 17 Beer
Age 25 Beer
Age 35 Vodka
Age 48 Double Vodka
Age 66 Maalox

FEMALE - FAVORITE DRINK

Age 17 Wine Coolers
Age 25 White Wine
Age 35 Red Wine
Age 48 Dom Perignon
Age 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

MALE - HOUSE PET

Age 17 Roaches
Age 25 Stoned-out college roommate
Age 35 Irish Setter
Age 48 Children from first marriage
Age 66 Barbi

FEMALE - HOUSE PET

Age 17 Muffy the cat
Age 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the cat
Age 35 Irish setter and Muffy the cat
Age 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the cat
Age 66 Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the cat

MALE - FAVORITE SPORT

Age 17 Sex
Age 25 Sex
Age 35 Sex
Age 48 Sex
Age 66 Napping

FEMALE - FAVORITE SPORT

Age 17 Shopping
Age 25 Shopping
Age 35 Shopping
Age 48 Shopping
Age 66 Shopping

MALE - FAVORITE FANTASY

Age 17 Getting to third base
Age 25 Airplane sex
Age 35 Menage a trois
Age 48 Taking the company public
Age 66 Swiss maid / Nazi love slave

FEMALE - FAVORITE FANTASY

Age 17 Tall, dark and handsome
Age 25 Tall, dark and handsome with money
Age 35 Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
Age 48 A man with hair
Age 66 A man

MALE - FAVORITE DRUG

Age 17 Pot
Age 25 Coke
Age 35 Really good coke
Age 48 Power
Age 66 Coke, a limousine and a company jet

FEMALE - FAVORITE DRUG

Age 17 Shopping
Age 25 Shopping
Age 35 Shopping
Age 48 Shopping
Age 66 Shopping
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 5:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Grandpa Says
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 5:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Teen Poverty in America

A letter from two concerned grandmothers.


We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall. We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty.

Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group. But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy that they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know one must have been ashamed his daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below his knees. They weren't even his daddy's good jeans, for they had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

It grieved us that in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.

But here is the saddest part - it was the girls that disturbed us the most. Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sister's clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could get them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had on their little sister's top; it didn't even cover their midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes. However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, they had their underwear exposed. We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.

We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together. We think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather together at the mall; boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find acceptance. So, the next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, please say a prayer for them.

And one more thing: Please pray that the guys' pants won't fall down, and the girls' strings won't break?

Thank you all,
Two Concerned Grandmothers
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Things Humans Should Learn 1
Wrinkles don't hurt.

Laughing is good exercise - it's like jogging on the inside.

No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.

There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.

Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Things Humans Should Learn 2
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career / job with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Answering Machine Hijinx 1
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Tony's Pizza. It's not the beauty shop either, and no one named Pamela lives here. You can leave a message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Leave your message.

Hi, this is Diane and Daniel's machine. They're into S & M, so they're a little tied up and a bit whipped. When they've managed to unwind all the kinks, I'm sure they will return your call. If you're in the mood for some extra pain, please don't hesitate to let them know so they can return the favor. They'll have something very special for your listening pleasure when they leave a message on YOUR machine. (thanks to Darlene and Don)

Hello, you have reached 987-6543. Please press 1 for English, 2 for English, or better yet: call back when you speak English! (thanks to Kathy Ziemer)

Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call even sooner!

Hi! This is Jim. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello. I am Bill's answering machine. Who or what are you?

Hi! Jill's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet.

Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Answering Machine Hijinx 2
Hi! This is Frank. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!

Hello, this is Jack. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

You have reached 555-6238. Why did you call?

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the new millennium. You know what to do.

Surprisingly, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1
When you get off the elevator, whisper to the others who stayed on, "I'd get off the elevator NOW if I were you."

When the other people in the elevator leave, yell "SHARON!" (thanks to Jessica)

Hum the "Mission Impossible" theme, speak into your lapel and say "Right, Jim". (thanks to Dan Meyers)

When there is only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Sit with a desk, pencil cup and a telephone in the elevator. When someone walks in, ask if they have an appointment. (thanks to Shoaib)

Push a button, pretend it gave you a shock. Smile and go back for more.

Ask the others in the elevator which floor they're going to, but push the wrong buttons.

Call the Psychic Hotline and ask them if they know which floor you're on.

Hold the doors open as if you're waiting for a friend, but then let it close. Say to nobody, "Hey, Wally, how's it been?"

Drop a pen, wait for someone to pick it up and then yell, "That's mine!"

Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.

When the doors close, announce, "Don't worry, they'll open again soon."

Enforce a group hug.

Open your purse slightly and say, "Do you have enough air in there?"

Tell one of the other passengers that you're sorry, but you're going to have to let him go.

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 2
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Sing along with the Muzak.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently.
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 12:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hillary And The Fortune Teller

During a recent public outing, Hillary slipped off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 12:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman always wanted an expensive car: a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years' income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile. She's driving off, decides she wants some music and searches for the radio.
The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing.

Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. She tells him they forgot to install the radio.

He assures her it's right there in front of her. "It's hooked into the onboard computer. All you have to do is tell it what you want." He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.

"Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" and "click" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.

She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "ASSHOLE!!!" she screams.

"click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States....
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt.
He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, “Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Obama is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire.”

The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there. The cop said, “I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations.”

The marine asked, “How much do you have so far?”

The cop replied, “Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!”
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 12:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

is is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. The HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for: "Termination without Cause." (I think he has a good case):

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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Salty Dog
Sailing Master
Posts: 10060



191991 Gold -

PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2015 1:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
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elcroftduchio
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Posts: 1


6 Gold -

PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2016 11:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buck an ear! Very Happy
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