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Church Jokes
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 2:52 am    Post subject: Church Jokes Reply with quote

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...
The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he could go and make his next copy using the original in the vault as reference material. Since they've just been making copies of a copy for centuries and given his dedication to the process and his work so far the abbot agrees and brother Gray descends into the vault where he is given access to the only existing and oldest copy of the bible they have.



Days pass, none of the other monks are particularly concerned as brother Gray was known to be a perfectionist and was recognized among them as one of the best in his craft. After another week though they become anxious as nobody had really seen him since his descent into the vault, as such the abbot takes it upon himself to check up on him.



As he nears the vault he hears a gutteral sobbing, relentless and distraught. The abbot pushes open the door to the vault to find brother Gray lying face down in a heap on the floor, pages of the bible scattered all around. He rushes to his side. "Brother, whatever is the matter? We've been so worried about you. What's wrong?".



Brother Gray pushes himself upright, wipes away the tears from his eyes and grabs the abbot by the collar. "The word was 'Celebrate'"




Simliar to above


A New Monk

A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
Into the job, he notices all monks are copying from copies, not from original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

The Abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees him.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

_*They missed the R! They missed the R! They missed the bloody R!"*_
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was _*CELEBRATE*_!"


Last edited by corsair91 on Sun Jan 19, 2020 2:59 am; edited 1 time in total
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 2:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church





What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A mechanic.
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Marriage and Coffee

Shortly after tying the knot, a young married couple started arguing over who should make the coffee. Being a good Christian woman, the wife went to the scriptures for her answer. She said that the Bible specifically stated that men should be the ones to make the coffee.

Puzzled, the husband asked her where in the Bible it said that. Very confidently, the wife opened up her Bible and said: “It’s right here—HEBREWS.”





The One About The Fishermen and The Angel

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Grizzly Conversion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Bird Named Moses

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.

“Who are you?” the burglar asks.

“Moses,” the bird replied.

“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.

“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”




House Call

When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. "Mom!"she yelled toward the living room. "God’s here, and he brought his girlfriend."




Is the chemical symbol for holy water H2Omg?
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Good News

With Bible in hand, I read to my high school religion class, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife."

"Okay," I said, "from this Scripture, what do we learn is important in marriage?"

A student blurted out, "Cleavage."





Good Eulogy

The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”

One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”

Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”

The third responds, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look! I think he’s moving!’ “





New Driver

During a Sunday service, the pastor asked the congregation for their intentions. We heard the usual requests to pray for sick people and the acknowledgments for those who helped when a parishioner died. The somber mood was broken when the last intention was heard.

A woman stood up and said, "My granddaughter turned 16 this week and received her driver’s license. Let us pray for us all."
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dress Up

A doctor died and went to heaven, where he found a long line at St. Peter’s gate. As was his custom, the doctor rushed to the front, but St. Peter told him to wait in line like everyone else. Muttering and looking at his watch, the doctor stood at the end of the line.

Moments later a white-haired man wearing a white coat and carrying a stethoscope and medical bag rushed up to the front of the line, waved to St. Peter, and was immediately admitted through the Pearly Gates.

"Hey!" the doctor shouted. "How come you let him through?"

"Oh," said St. Peter, "that’s God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor."
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Showing up Late

My first pastoral ministry was as an assistant pastor to youth at a large church in the Pennsylvania Dutch country. In the fall of that first year, an evangelist was having a Saturday breakfast meeting with our group.

I was anxious for every detail of this event to be flawless and elegant, so the lay youth workers and I agreed to bring the last of the fall flowers from our gardens for floral arrangements.

The next morning, I decided to walk to church. There I was, dressed in a dark suit, a tie, hat and overcoat, walking down the street at 6:30 a.m. with a bouquet of chrysanthemums tucked under my arm.

As I strolled along, a car passed me from behind. Then, as though an afterthought, the driver stopped, backed up, rolled down the window, gestured to the flowers, and quipped, "If you’re just getting home, buddy, you’d better take her more than those."





God is Watching

When I went to a Christian school, I walked into the cafeteria and there on the table was a plate of fruit. Next to it was a sign that said "Take one. God is watching."

Next to the fruit was a plate of cookies, which had a sign next to it, written by a fellow student, that said "Take as many as you want. God is watching the fruit."





New Form of Communication

Seen while passing by a church:

"Get in touch with God by knee mail."
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2020 3:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

State of Disaster

Los Angeles weatherman Fritz Coleman, after a year that included a few earthquakes, several wildfires, extreme winds, record flooding, and even some funnel clouds: "California—more than a state, it’s an Acts of God Theme Park."
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2023 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why don’t churches have Wi-Fi?

They don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


An elderly couple is in church.

The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”


What’s the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.


Why are there so many old people in Church?

They’re cramming for the final.


Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?

It was judged to be an Act of God, and therefore deliberate damage by owner.


Why can’t skeletons play church music?

They don’t have any organs.


How does the church make holy water?

They take regular tap water, and boil the hell out of it!


Why is driving by a church so dangerous?

Because there is so much cross traffic.


One morning a man came into the church on crutches
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.

“Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle,” the priest said. “Tell me, where is this man now?”

“Flat on his ass over by the holy water.”


What do you call a cute girl in an Amish church?

A visitor.


A new Church is set up by a newly ordained minister. He gets a congregation together and realizes that most of his congregants do not know the Bible all that well. So he sets up a Bible Study.
He starts with the basics. That God does not have a form, or name or any manifestation.

A woman puts up her hand and goes; “I thought God’s name was Harold.”

The Minister goes, “Harold? Why Harold”

The woman goes, “Isn’t that what we say in the Lord’s prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Harold be thy name?”


What do you call an atheist church?

A non-prophet organization!


One day, a wife sees her husband watching their wedding video but backwards.

She asks him, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”

“I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”


There was a church with a bell that could not be rung.
One day, a boy visited the priest and asked if he may try. He ran into the bell face-first after climbing the tower. The bell rang loudly and clearly. The assignment was given to him by the priest. The child went directly toward the bell with his face one Sunday and missed, so he fell from the tower and died.

“Congregation,” the priest said before the assembled masses. “Does anybody know this boy’s name? I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”


What’s the difference between churches and banks?

Both take your money but only one gives it back.
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fleetp
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2023 3:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call a cute girl in an Amish church?

A visitor.


Obviously you've never been in Amish country... Wink
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corsair91
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2023 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites...


I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God

II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods

III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?

IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator

V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?

VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You:
No Killing Before Lunch

VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now,
Like Adulteresses

VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants

IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You

X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her
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