Fun Lists

[Salty Dog]

What Is It Called?




1. The practice of eating insects is called entomophagy.
Most insects are edible. There are 1,462 recorded species of edible insects. And
they're quite nutritious. For instance, 100 grams of cricket contains only 121
calories, less than half of beef. A cricket contains only 5,5 grams of fat, compared
to 21,2g of beef. Beef contains more protein (23,5g - a cricket 12.9g) but the 100g
of cricket also contains 5,1g of carbohydrates, 75,8 mg calcium, 185,3 mg
phosphorous, 9,5 mg iron, thiamin, riboflavin, and niacin.


2. Mid-men, the male versions of mid-wives, are called accouchers.


3. The working section of a piano is called the action.


4. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.


5. The distance that a place holder falls from a glass when it is lifted (you know,
place holders sometimes get stuck to the bottom of a cold glass when you lift the
glass) is called a bevemeter.


6. The study of creatures such as Bigfoot, the chupacabra, and the Loch Ness monster is
called cryptozoology. Zoologist Bernard Heuvelmans coined the term to describe his
investigations of animals unknown to science.


7. The apparatus used in alcohol distilleries for freeing the spirit from water is
called the dephlegmator.


8. One that speaks two languages - is bilingual - can be said to be diglot.


9. Ducks are never male. The males of the species are called drakes.


10. Shoemakers are commonly called cobblers but correctly speaking a cobbler is a shoe
repairmen. A shoemaker is a cordwainer.

[Salty Dog]

Jokes2Go.com > Humor Lists >
New Economic Lingo - the Crisis Special




1. CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.


2. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.


3. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a
financial genius.


4. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no
jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


5. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.


6. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps
crashing.


7. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


8. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


9. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


10. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
themselves.

[Salty Dog]

Best Out of Office Automatic e-mail Replies




1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.


2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed
so I can be promoted to our management team.


4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


5. Thank you for your email.
Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each
additional word in your message.


6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over
and over....)


7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately
19 weeks.


8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.


9. I've run away to join a different circus.


10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

[Salty Dog]

Wise thoughts on everything




1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


2. Life is sexually transmitted.


3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.


5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.


6. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...


7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...


8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?






11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.


12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that
it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


13. You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung
around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I
think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.

[Salty Dog]

Funny Foreign English Phrases




1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.


2. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.


3. Doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.


4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL
YOURSELF.


5. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.


6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.


7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.


8. The best! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.


9. Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.


10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.






11. Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.


12. Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.


13. A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


14. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.


15. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?


16. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.


17. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.


18. In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

[Salty Dog]

Special Classes for Men


1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2
hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.


3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


6. Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.


7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


8. Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.


9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

11. Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing. Location and times to be announced.


12. Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation
and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


13. Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday,
Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.


14. Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

[Salty Dog]

Actual label instructions on consumer goods


1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


2. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)


4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)


5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Don 't turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)


8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???...)


10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)


14. On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


15. On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Salty Dog]

How can you live without knowing these things?


1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.


2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.


3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.


4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.


5. Coca-Cola was originally green.


6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.


7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska


8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%


9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400


10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.


12. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.


13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.


14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.


15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.


16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar


17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321


18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.


19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.


20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace


21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession


22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find
the letter "A"?
One thousand


23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common?
All invented by women.


24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey


25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father's Day


26. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."


27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.


28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."


29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.


30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

[Salty Dog]

How to retool your ailing lexicon

Where did you go wrong, and how can you retool your ailing lexicon? To increase your vocabulary with phrases you've heard but aren't quite sure how to use, read on.



1. "Cold turkey"

Definition: Refers to the physical state addicts are in when withdrawing from drug
addition, especially heroin. Their blood is directed to the internal organs, leaving
their skin white and goose bumpy like a Thanksgiving bird ready to go in the oven.
Mmmmm, junkie turkey.

Origin: The first usage of this phrase is unknown, but it has as many applications as
there are things to be addicted to.

Use it in a sentence: After coming down with a strange illness that turned his
eye-whites blue, Ozzy had to go cold turkey from biting the heads off live bats or
any other animals.


2. "Going Dutch"

Definition: To evenly split the cost of a group expense, like a meal.

Origin: The origin of the phrase is unknown, but there is one explanation. In the
17th century, the Dutch were hated commercial rivals of the British, and have been a
verbal target for them since. Anyone who "went Dutch" may have been considered a
tightwad. Not surprisingly, the Dutch don't seem to love this phrase.

Use it in a sentence: The last girl I went out with called me a superior patriarchal
misogynist who didn't respect her independence just because I offered to pick up the
tab. So last night I decided I'd play it safe and suggested to my date that we go
Dutch. She called me a cheap bastard!


3. "Sh*t hits the fan"

Definition: Refers to the commotion that can occur when a situation that was
previously secret is publicly revealed. Graphically illustrates the distinction
between fecal matter, which is not in itself such a problem, and fecal matter piling
up to the ceiling fan and then being sprayed everywhere, which pretty much sucks.

Origin: Depression-era America, when apparently excrement abounded.

Use it in a sentence: "I'm telling you, Bob, if we don't figure out how to get your
dad's pogo stick out of this tree, the sh*t's really gonna hit the fan. I mean, how's
he supposed to get to work?"


4. "Put a sock in it"

Definition: A terse request to be quiet.

Origin: Since early gramophones had no volume control knobs, playing them at anything
less than 11 ("my amp goes up to 11") required putting a sock in the amplification
trumpet.

Use it in a sentence:
Girl: "Why are you hesitating? You don't like it, do you? You think it makes me look
fat, right? Oh, I knew this would happen. I should never have gotten an orange
leather..."
Guy: "Ah, put a sock in it."


5. "Son of a gun"

Definition:
a) As an interjection, it means "gee whiz" or "well I'll be damned."
b) As a name to call someone, it's a euphemism for a phrase that's already pretty
tame: son of a bitch.

Origin: According to the Phrase Finder (www.phrases.shu.ac.uk), the expression
originated on sailing ships, where some women would have sex with sailors between the
cannons. The male progeny of such a dangerous liaison would then be called a son of a
gun. Nice pedigree.

Use it in a sentence:
a) "Son of a gun, who stole my toupee?"
b) "Bob, you old son of a gun. How's the prostate?"


6. "For all intents and purposes"

Definition: First of all, it ain't "for all intensive purposes." Think about it for a
minute. What the hell could that possibly mean? For all uses that are short but
really demanding? Like, oh, I don't know, midget arm-wrestling? No, "for all intents
and purposes" means "realistically speaking; practically; in almost every way."

Origin: Although its origin is unknown, the phrase used to be "to all intents and
purposes," which is still sometimes heard.

Use it in a sentence: Bob tried so hard to please Patty that he had long ago passed
the "whipped" phase and was now, for all intents and purposes, her love slave.


7. "Big cheese"

Definition: The most important person; the boss.

Origin: The Urdu word for thing is chiz. The British likened its sound to the word
"cheese" and, as cheese is so vital to the Brits that their pound currency was
actually pegged to the price of medium cheddar for almost two centuries, they
modified its meaning to "the main/best thing." The phrase crossed the Atlantic as
"the big cheese" in about 1890.

Use it in a sentence: The way he acted, you could tell Bob thought he was the big
cheese of the joint. But really, with his faux chains, hedge-like chest hair and
shiny zebra-striped shirt, he was just cheesy.


8. "Peeping Tom"

Definition: A peeping Tom is a voyeur.

Origin: It stems from an 11th century English legend in which Tom the tailor
unlawfully peeps at Lady Godiva as she rides on horseback naked through Coventry. As
a result, he was struck blind. Doh!

Use it in a sentence: To mess with the minds of any would-be peeping Toms in the high
rise across the street, every night Bob undressed in front of his window with all the
lights on, then looked out into the night and gave a big wave before retiring.


9. "Beat around the bush"

Definition: This old phrase means, well, you know, sort of to, like, stall and stuff,
or lie even, instead of, um -- hey look, that dog has a poofy tail! Sorry, it means
not to get to the point or the truth.

Origin: It comes from hunting, where hunters would carefully beat around bushes
hoping to drive out their prey instead of just going in after it.

Use it in a sentence:
Man #1: "Stop beating around the bush and ask the question already!"
Man #2: "Okay, fine. Can I borrow your girlfriend for, like, an hour?"

[Salty Dog]

Student-Teacher Exchanges


1. TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


2. TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!


3. TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!


4. TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!


5. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!


6. TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years
ago.
WILLIE: Me!


7. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


8. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


9. TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."


10. TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

11. TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


12. TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!


13. TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

[Salty Dog]

Abraham Lincoln vs. John F Kennedy

1. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.


2. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.


3. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.


4. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.


5. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.


6. Both were assassinated by Southerners.


7. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.


8. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.


9. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.


10. Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

11. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'


12. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.


13. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.


14. A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

[Salty Dog]

Actual label instructions on consumer goods


1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


2. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)


4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)


5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Don 't turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)


8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???...)


10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)


14. On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


15. On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Salty Dog]

Actual quotes by dumb lawyers


1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
until the next morning?


2. Q: What heppened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?


3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?


4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


5. Were you alone or by yourself?


6. How long have you been a French Canadian?


7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?


8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?


9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?


10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?


12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


13. So you were gone until you returned?


14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?


15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?


16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."


18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy!


19. Have you ever thought of committing unvoluntary manslaughter?


20. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury! Please take a long,
hard look at this alleged repeat sex offender....

[Salty Dog]

Amusing Irrelevant Facts




1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit
cards.


2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.


3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed inIreland.


4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.


5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time areteenagers.


6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.


7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of
his territory.


8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he
might be retarded.


9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.


10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting
on it.

11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.


12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other
weather.


13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.


14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is
the wrong size.


15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.


16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.


17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under
frozen foods.


18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal.


19. ,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.


20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.


21. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of
toast.


22. In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking.


23. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.


24. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.


25. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.


26. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently
eaten bananas.


27. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.


28. The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.


29. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.


30. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.


31. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.


32. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.


33. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000B.C.


34. Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.


35. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.


36. % of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.


37. When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with
his teeth.


38. In 1681, the last dodo bird died.


39. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her
coffee.


40. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.


41. An Indian woman can legally wed a goat.


42. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.


43. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.


44. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.


45. What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.


46. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.


47. The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.


48. Every person has a unique tongue print.


49. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.


50. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.


51. When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.


52. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in
their wallets.


53. Bubble gum contains rubber.


54. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.


55. In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."


56. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.


57. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.


58. The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.


59. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.


60. Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.


61. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.


62. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.


63. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. [Well, duh,
why do you think they go? The men drive them crazy!]


64. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.


65. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.


66. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend,
Indiana.


67. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The
rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]


68. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.


69. An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day.


70. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.


71. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.


72. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.


73. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in
1991.


74. Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."


75. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western
Pacific.


76. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. [And most of them
are in Parma!]


77. Most lipstick contains fish scales.


78. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.


79. Mosquitos have teeth.


80. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.


81. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.


82. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and
Elvis Presley.


83. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.


84. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.


85. Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.


86. % of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential
hell."


87. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients
would die.


88. An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.


89. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant
"plenty of excrement."


90. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.


91. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

[Salty Dog]

1. ECSTASY

How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really
are.
How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the
teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.
Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It's all about the "vibe."
How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.
Embarrassment rating: 6/10 Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you
don't like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you
say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.


2. MARIJUANA

How you think you behave: You're not sure, but you think people could be laughing at
you.
How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG
fridge freezer combination.
Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can
happen.
How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that pizza.
Embarrassment rating: 1/10. You are moving so slowly that it's almost impossible to
do anything stupid.


3. ALCOHOL

How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and
everybody likes you.
How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behaviour gets
progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender,
spill your drink and make a pass at your best friendÂ’s date.
Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each
consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then
your chances are pretty good.
How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with
someone from the office? I've never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the
last time.
Embarrassment rating: 11/10. Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone
recognizes this, except you.


4. COCAINE

How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to "do lunch" with
everyone.
How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for
the next line of blow.
Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely
believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall
for it
How you feel in the morning: Like the apeman.
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 if there's more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn't.


5. ACID or SHROOMS

How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting
on a pretty good show.
How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the
world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the
process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position,
you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry
animal/the devil/your mother.
How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the wall swishing that God
would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand HuxleyÂ’s "The Doors of
Perception."
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all
night even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and
died.