Fun Lists

[Salty Dog]

Things NOT to Say on Dates for Guys


1. "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"


2. "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."


3. "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix
alcohol and penicillin."


4. "I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."


5. "People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."


6. "I used to come here all the time with my ex."


7. "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."


8. "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour."


9. "I like clay. It's mushy."


10. "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't
have given someone like you a second look."

11. "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."


12. "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."


13. "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am."


14. "Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the
ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast."

[Salty Dog]

Things to Ponder


1. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?


2. Why do you have a hot-water heater when you dont need to heat hot water?


3. Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?


4. Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?


5. What do they pack styrofoam in?


6. Why did God give men nipples?


7. If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands
on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on
the back of a cat?


8. Is grass really greener on the other side?


9. Do boxer shorts box?


10. Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

11. If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?


12. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?


13. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?


14. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


15. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?


16. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?


17. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?


18. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?


19. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?


20. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?


21. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?


22. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?


23. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights,
what happens?


24. You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else?"


25. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?


26. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?


27. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?


28. Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn
the radio down?


29. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


30. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

[Salty Dog]

Things You Do not Want To Hear from Tech Support

1. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"


2. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."


3. "So -- what are you wearing?"


4. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"


5. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."


6. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes'. Press 3 if
you're with the FTC."


7. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct
tape, and a car battery."


8. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."


9. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."


10. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

11. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics'."


12. "Please hold for Mr. Gates's attorney."

[Salty Dog]

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.


2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.


3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!


4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?


5. Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there.


6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex?


7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?


8. There go the lights again!


9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em.


10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.


12. What's this doing here?


13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.


14. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?


15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.


16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?


17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!


18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.


19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?


20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?


21. Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.


22. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!"


23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!


24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.

[Salty Dog]

Things You Learn From Video Games

1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.


2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.


3. If it moves, KILL IT!


4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.


5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys."
A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit.
C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then
against a "boss" in one on one combat.


6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'.


7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.


8. You can smash things and get away with it.
A. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.


9. Cybernetics are our friends.


10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.

[Salty Dog]

Thin People...


1. avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy


2. split a large combination pizza with three friends


3. think Oreo cookies are for kids


4. nibble cashews one at a time


5. think that doughnuts are indigestible


6. read books they have to hold with both hands


7. become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch


8. fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips


9. counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish


10. exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio


11. lose their appetites when they're depressed


12. think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids


13. prefer "The Joy of Sex" to "The Joy of Cooking"


14. save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order
to make interesting soups


15. throw out stale potato chips


16. will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except
in a special store


17. think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate


18. don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound


19. warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and
whipped cream


20. try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert


21. find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda


22. get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they
never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table


23. have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the
jelly beans to an equal number of each color


24. think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert


25. bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box


26. think banana splits are for kids


27. Prefer a cigarette to a bread stick


28. Think breakfast is optional


29. Like animals, eat only when they are hungry


30. Get up in the middle of the night only to drink a glass of water

[Salty Dog]

Top 25 country songs


1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye


2. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling


3. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You


4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even


5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Daddy's Head)


6. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me


7. She's Actin' Single And I'm Drinkin' Doubles


8. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go away


9. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You


10. I Liked You Better Before I knew You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better


12. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win


13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight


14. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You Here


15. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin' Over You


16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now


17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You


18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him


19. Please Bypass My Heart


20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger


21. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat


22. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly


23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure


24. She's Looking Better After Every Beer


25. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few

[Salty Dog]

Top Drug-Using Cartoon Suspects


1. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in
sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to
do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?


2. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that
skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger
to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus
thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!


3. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is
suspicious.


4. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER
OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his
castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the
shit in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse"?


5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back
to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a
look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....


6. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him
an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when
he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.


7. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they
are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra
scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.


8. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he
bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the
time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't
work for him.


9. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the
boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the
Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per
episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way
him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.

[Salty Dog]

Top Pickup Lines Used by William Shakespeare

1. "How about a little Puck?"


2. "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title.
I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."


3. "Et tu, Cutie?"


4. "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"


5. "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty
unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"


6. "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"


7. "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."


8. "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend
the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."


9. "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"


10. "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to
cast eyes upon thy beauty!"

11. "Greetings to you, fair sailor."


12. "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"


13. "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"


14. "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me
divine thy weight."


15. "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."

[Salty Dog]

Top Reasons God Created Eve

1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for
directions.


2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
(Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)


3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would
therefore need Eve to get one for him.


4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.


5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.


6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle
childbearing.


7. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.


8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.


9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"


10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and
said, "I can do better than that."

[Salty Dog]

Top Signs You're a New Yorker


1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means
the borough of Manhattan.


2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire
State Building, but love Coney Island.


3. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.


4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.


5. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price to be
charged without a gun held to your head.


6. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple."


7. Your door has more than three locks.


8. Your favorite movie has DeNiro and Pacino in it.


9. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.


10. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.


11. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.


12. You complain about having to mow it.


13. You consider Westchester "Upstate".


14. You think Central Park is "nature."



15. You're paying $1100 a month for a studio the size of a
walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."


16. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.


17. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in
the U.S. pay in rent.


18. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky
since you went away to camp as a kid.


19. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most
Americans are heading to bed.


20. Your closet is filled with black clothes.


21. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.


22. You actually take fashion seriously.


23. Being truly alone makes you nervous.


24. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.


25. Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip."


26. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.


27. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.


28. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving
with the turkey.


29. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.


30. Fifty dollars worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

[Salty Dog]

Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex


1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.


2. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.


3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.


4. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.


5. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else because you
are.


6. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.


7. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.


8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.


9. Less guilt the morning after.


10. You can do the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

[Salty Dog]

Top Ten Ways to Get Pardoned from Clinton


1. Explain that the $45 million check for the I.R.S.
is in my other pants' pockets, and look really surprised.


2. Start dating Chelsea.


3. Form a President Bush Fan Club in an effort to distract the Republican Party.


4. Make donations to the Clinton Presidential Pardon Library Fund.


5. Run a Free Big Mac With Presidential Pardon promotion at your local McDonald's.


6. Say that you're really, really sorry, and promise never to do it again.


7. Trick him into thinking he's signing a crooked land deal in Arkansas.


8. Let some couches fall off the back of the truck in Chappaqua
in front of their house.


9. Offer to adopt either Socks the cat, or Hillary the dog.


10. Provide him with an escort and a good cigar.

[Salty Dog]

True Stories Told on Insurance Forms

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have.


2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.


3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when
I put my head through it.


4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.


5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.


6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.


7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.


8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment.


9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.


10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way
home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up
obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.


12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my
universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.


13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in
a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable
to stop in time to avoid the accident.


14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.


15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.


16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.


17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
hat, found that I had a fractured skull.


18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the road when I struck him.


19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.


20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off
the hood of my car.


21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.


22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray dogs.


23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve
out of its way when it struck my front end.

[Salty Dog]

Types of Boyfriends and Girlfriends


1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy


2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass


3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle


4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig


5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams


6. The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life


7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused


8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"


9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


10. Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you
shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main
Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

11. Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans


12. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious


13. The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,
Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?


14. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed


15. Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an'
make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs


16. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends


17. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud


18. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are,
my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you