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Salty Dog
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2015 9:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.


2. It was in Hebrew.


3. It had no references.


4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.


5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.


6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?


7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.


8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.


9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.


10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.


12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.


13. Some say He had His son teach the class.


14. He expelled His first two students for learning.


15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.


16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
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Salty Dog
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why the Internet is Like a Penis

1. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it
difficult to get any real work done.


2. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
use it for fun most of the time.


3. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.


4. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.


5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.


6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.


7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.


8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.


9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
I do that?"


10. Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it
gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.

11. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
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Salty Dog
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wise thoughts on everything


1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


2. Life is sexually transmitted.


3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.


5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.


6. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...


7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...


8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.


12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that
it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


13. You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung
around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I
think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.
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Salty Dog
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woman-Speak Translator


1. "We need" I want


2. "This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house


3. "I want new curtains" and carpet, and furniture, and ...


4. "I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the wrong color


5. "I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the sale items


6. "Those are a bargain" Did you bring your checkbook?


7. "Does this dress look OK?" I need a new wardrobe


8. "Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out?


9. "You're so attentive tonite" Is sex all you ever think about?


10. "It's just... I'm soooo tired" Get away from me, you sex maniac

11. "It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you sex maniac


12. "Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you sex maniac


13. "Are the kids asleep?" Get away from me, you sex maniac


14. "Won't you be late for work?" Get away from me, you sex maniac


15. "Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby today


16. "Of course I like making love" Is this gonna take much longer?


17. "You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower


18. "You have such a manly scent" For God's sake. Use some deodorant


19. "My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob


20. "So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your underwear


21. "I'm not upset!" Of course I'm upset, you moron


22. "I'm not emotional!" You'd be too, if you married an idiot


23. "I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're that stupid


24. "Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're that stupid


25. "I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're that stupid


26. "No" NO !!! NEVER !!! NO WAY !!!


27. "I'm sorry" You'll be sorry


28. "Do you forgive me?" You'll be sorry


29. "Well, I was upset" You'll be sorry


30. "Well, I was tired" You'll be sorry
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Salty Dog
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Women keywords and their meaning


1. FINE

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about
but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.


2. FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I
feel that it's an even trade.


3. NOTHING

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".


4. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".


5. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.


6. LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".


7. SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.


8. OH

This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that".
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh"
before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that
she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not
expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence
usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get
out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so
unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.


9. THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with
a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


10. PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

11. THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.


12. THANKS A LOT

This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
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Salty Dog
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yiddish for the Masses


1. Vay iz meer

An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me", and is cried out by Jewish
mothers every 15 minutes. An anthem of true suffering.


2. Putz

The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating and solitary amusement.
Larger than a schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck. A common term for male in-laws.


3. Schmuck

Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a man with an
attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. A common
term for former male in-laws and business partners.


4. Goyim:

People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn't love a good bargain or
has extra skin on his schmeckel.


5. Tattalah

An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating term for women
to call men, if you think about it. But who has time to think.


6. Gefilte Fish

A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent slime jelly. The only food it
is permissable for Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they may even be
allowed to gag, but politely.


7. Chaleria

A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or a mother-in-
law. The closest English equivalent is "bitch".


8. Koorveh

A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian Czar's wife at the turn of
the 20th Century, and to that flashy shiksa your nephew married. Also known as
Nafkeh.


9. Kugel

A yummy blend of overcooked noodles , raisins, and curds of ripe cheese. Not fun to
look at. When lathered with sour cream makes an excellent artery hardener.


10. Borscht

A purple soup made from beets and ammonia. Often eaten by elderly Ashkenazic Jews
who slurp noisily and have protruding nose hair. Which is helpful, because it
stinks to high heaven.


11. K'naidlach

Also referred to as matzoh balls. Made with styrofoam and sponges. There isn't a
laxative in the world strong enough to counteract them.


12. Schmendrick

A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable. An unfortunate
asshole. Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every Jewish family has at
least one, often named Irving.


13. Schlemiell

A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms, someone who's always spilling
his soup.


14. Schlemazel

The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on.


15. Schmeckel

A guy with a small putz. A nothing. Usually your ex-partner or ex-son-in-law.


16. Tsuris

A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache.
Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender,
adult son loses job and moves back home.


17. Major Tsuris

Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back home too


18. Latkes

Potato pancakes fried in castor oil and lightly seasoned with balsa wood. Smells
like old boxer shorts.


19. Ken in-a-hora

A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is going to
marry the Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe bartender.
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Salty Dog
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yo Momma Lines: Misc


1. Yo momma is so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!


2. Yo momma is so dark she spits chocolate milk!


3. Yo momma is so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.


4. Yo momma is so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to
keep from eating her fingers.


5. Yo momma is so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.


6. Yo momma is so short she poses for trophies!


7. Yo momma is so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!


8. Yo momma is so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.


9. Yo momma is so short she can play handball on the curb.


10. Yo momma is so short she does backflips under the bed.

11. Yo momma is so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut
her hair and she opened up her shirt


12. Yo momma is so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh!


13. Yo momma is so nasty she made speed stick slow down.


14. Yo momma is so nasty she brings crabs to the beach


15. Yo momma is so nasty she made right guard turn left.


16. Yo momma is so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave


17. Yo momma is so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape.


18. Yo momma is so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off


19. Yo momma is so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.


20. Yo momma is like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay


21. Yo momma is like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!


22. Yo momma is like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!


23. Yo momma is like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!


24. Yo momma is like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!


25. Yo momma is like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn!


26. Yo momma is like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!


27. Yo momma is like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!


28. Yo momma is like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!


29. Yo momma is like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!


30. Yo momma is like a shotgun on one cock and she blows!
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Salty Dog
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yo Momma Lines: So Fat


1. Yo momma is so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up


2. Yo momma is so fat her nickname is "DAMN"


3. Yo momma is so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.


4. Yo momma is so fat we're in her right now


5. Yo momma is so fat people jog around her for exercise


6. Yo momma is so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone


7. Yo momma is so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors


8. Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...


9. Yo momma is so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then
new world


10. Yo momma is so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

11. Yo momma is so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!


12. Yo momma is so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!


13. Yo momma is so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"


14. Yo momma is so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"


15. Yo momma is so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized


16. Yo momma is so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway


17. Yo momma is so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller


18. Yo momma is so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets


19. Yo momma is so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th


20. Yo momma is so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too


21. Yo momma is so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"


22. Yo momma is so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!


23. Yo momma is so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"


24. Yo momma is so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.


25. Yo momma is so fat she fell in love and broke it.


26. Yo momma is so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.


27. Yo momma is so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.


28. Yo momma is so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!


29. Yo momma is so fat she's got her own area code!


30. Yo momma is so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
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