Random-jokes-not-worth-their-own-thread

[fleetp]

How did they woman with no musical talent land a job as a harpist?

She pulled a few strings.

[corsair91]

What is a pirates least favourite letter.

Your boat has been impounded due to unpaid loan repayments.


Why do pirates really like pizza?

Because it usually comes in pieces o' eight.


Why don't pirates with a hook on the end of their arm like helping others?

They find it extremely hard to lend a hand.


How do geriatric pirates get around?

With Davy Jones Walker.


Why are pirates never cremated when they die?

They always bury their booty.


What do you call a pirate that uses a pumpkin as a belt?

A squash buckler


Why do you never ever see pirates crying?

They like their private-tears.


What do you call a pirates sword that is completely blunt?

A cut-less


A pirate walks into a bar,
it was at that moment that the pirate realised that he was wearing his eyepatch on the wrong eye.


What is a Pirates favourite internet sensation?

Planking.


Why did the pirate have to visit the doctor?

He had a bad case of termites.


Why did the pirate have to walk the plank?

Because he couldn't afford a dog.


A slice of apple pie is $2 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Captain hook is now dead.
Do you know how he was killed?

He wiped his bum with the wrong hand.


Why do Pirates carry swords.

Because swords can't walk.


Where do pirates put their weapons?

In their enemies.

[corsair91]

Where do you find the pirate who looses his wooden leg?

Right where you left him.


One morning a pirate noticed something floating towards the deserted
island that had become his home since his ship sank six months earlier.

As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel.
Soon he could see that hanging onto the barrel was a very scantily clad woman.
In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively
walked towards him. She whispered into his ear, "I have something you want!"

The pirate then without hesitation, ran towards the breaking waves yelling,
"Don't tell me woman you got rum in that barrel!"


What games do parrots like to play?

Hide and speak


What made the sailor join a pirate ship?

Pier pressure


A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath
and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she's unimpressed and blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a sailing vessel in the distance and races off toward it.
Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find her with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said...
"I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!"


A pirate walks into a tavern with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to such a disgusting low-life animal."
The pirate says, "Arrr, it's ok matey, he's had his shots."
The bartender says... "HEY..I was talking to the parrot!"

[corsair91]

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

My pirate husband upon returning from sea, gave me two female parrots,
but it seems these silly birds only know how to squawk out one thing."

"Well what do they say?" the priest inquired. The woman replies,
"Hi, we're hookers laddies! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your little problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots here, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.
My parrots can teach your female parrots to pray and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that foul phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "that sounds like a good idea."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

Upon entering, she saw that his two male parrots were in their cage,
somberly holding on to their rosary beads and quietly praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers laddies! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence in the room...

Shocked,
one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[corsair91]

A pirate ship has been on a long voyage, and the men have grown terribly bored.

One of the crew happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and begins a magic show.

His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can't keep it's mouth shut.

The pirate begins his first trick, and the parrot gives it away by saying
"rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!"

Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it
away by blurting out "rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!"

This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can't manage
to perform anything spectacular to entertain the weary crew.

His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks.

Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage.

The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him
looking quite puzzled.... the bird says to him:
"Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What did ya do with the boat, rawwk?"

[corsair91]

A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship.

When he entered the captain's quarters,
he saw the ships captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought.

When the captain didn't move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess ... with a parrot!

The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move.
"Good move! Good move!" the parrot cried, "Nice! Nice!
"
Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed.
"Arrgh, matey!
That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin' against thar," he said.

The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so
involved with the game that he had not noticed him standing there.
"Ahh, he's not so smart," he replied, "I've beaten the blighter two out of three."

"So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?" asked the pirate.

"Somersaults," was the quick reply.

"Somersaults?" the pirate said, "That be incredble! How many would it be doin' then?"

"Ah," said the Captain, "That would depend on how hard I slap him."

[fleetp]

Moe said, "I met a pirate with a wooden leg named Smith."
Joe said, "What was the name of his other leg?"