Random-jokes-not-worth-their-own-thread

[corsair91]

One day a mom noticed that when her son was logging onto a favorite website he typed a very long password.

She asked him what it was, and he replied, “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto.”

She asked him why he would use such a password.

“Because,” he explained, “it says your password has to have at least four characters.


How do you make your wife do anything for you?

Answer: Take away her Credit Card


Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up, Pants go down
Body to body
Skin to skin
When its stiff Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry And comes out wet
It comes out dripping
And starts to sag
Its not what you think...... Its a Teabag

[corsair91]

Obama, Putin and Tony were going for a walk
when a giant came up to them.

He told them to bring a human killing machine from their country
so as to not die from his wrath.

First came Tony with a small pistol,

Giant told him to put it up his ass.

then came Putin with AK-47,
Giant told him to do the same,

Surprisingly Putin was crying and laughing at the same time.

The giant asked him why he was crying, he said because of the pain,
then he asked why he was laughing, he then said that Obama was
bringing a tank


why cant a leopard hide ?

because its always spotted


whats the difference between a girls argument and a knife ?

a knife has a point


Bubba and Leroy were sitting on the front porch of a trailer house.

Leroy says "Bubba, you and me are bestest buddies.
If you was gone huntin and I had sex with your wife and
she had my baby, would that make us Kin Folk?"

Bubba replied " I don't know Leroy, but it would dang shore
make us even"

[corsair91]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman,
"Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says,
"I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.

he bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"


a man knocks on a lady's door and said
'i'm terribly sorry miss but i ran over your cat,.
because i'm responsible of its death i would like to replace your cat '

and the lady said
' thank You so how are you at you at catching mice then?'

[corsair91]

Where Do Deleted Characters Go?

(As reported by Joel Garreau in his Cybersurfing column in the Washington Post.)


Where do the computer typeface characters go when you delete them?

Well, the characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask.


The Church’s approach to characters:

The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins.


The Buddhist explanation:

If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a completely different, higher-placed character.
For instance, those funny characters located above the numbers on a typical keyboard will become numbers, all numbers will graduate to become letters, and lower-case letters will reach the pinnacle and become upper-case.


The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:

Who cares? It doesn’t really matter if they’re on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It’s all the same.


Thriller writer Stephen King’s explanation:

Every time you hit the (delete) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor that tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!


Humor columnist Dave Barry’s explanation:

The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they’re made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I’m not making this up.


PETA’s (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:

You’ve been DELETING them???

Can’t you hear them SCREAMING???

[corsair91]

Why did an old man fall in a well?

Because he couldn’t see that well!


Why can’t you send a duck to space?

Because the bill would be astronomical!


Why is a snake difficult to fool?

You can’t pull its leg!


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick!


Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

Because they were watchdogs!

[Pirate]

ChatGPT
Fleetp and Corsair walk into a Port Royal tavern and spot a beautiful English barmaid. Fleetp says to Corsair, "Arrr, I fancy that lass. Should we woo her with pirate charm?" Corsair replies, "Nay, mate. We must be more subtle. Let's order our grog and toast to her beauty." As they lift their mugs and shout "yo ho ho," the barmaid rolls her eyes and mutters, "typical pirates."

[corsair91]

Recession Jokes


What kind of apocalypse would be best for the recession?

A zombie apocalypse, because zombies are great consumers.


How bad is the recession?

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.


How did the recession put a man back to his feet?

The bank took away his car.


During the recession, a man went to his bank manager and said, “I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?”

“Simple,” said the bank manager.

“Buy a big one and wait.”


What did uncle Ben always tell Peter Parker during a recession?

With great power comes a great electric bill.


What do Apple and your country’s economy have in common?

No Jobs.


When the economy is good, people drink.
When the economy is bad, people drink.
The moral?

Invest in alcohol.


How bad is the economy?

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.
Today we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.


One day, a successful sales representative in a huge corporation tells his boss, “If you want me to keep working for you, I need a 20% raise. You have 24 hours to respond to me. I have four firms after me, so please let me know what you decide.”

The concerned boss says, “A 20% rise in this recession? So many employees are being laid off, and so many others have received significant pay cuts, and you want a 20% raise?”

“I’m not here to dispute this with you,” the employee says. “As I previously stated, four firms are chasing me, so please let me know your decision.”

The next day, the boss calls him and informs him that due to his outstanding performance, he has decided to comply and will provide him with the requested raise.

“Great,” the man adds, “I will gladly continue with you.”

As he was leaving, his supervisor inquired, “Who are the four firms chasing you?”

“Oh, yes,” he said, “Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Credit Suisse, and Quicken Loans.” “I must repay them all.”


Did you hear about a new weapon developed by the US that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing?

It’s called the stock market.


How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, if it was broken, the market would fix it.


A concerned customer asked his stockbroker if the recent market decline and volatility worried him.

The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby.

“Really?” replied the customer.

“Absolutely,” said the broker. “I sleep for about an hour, wake up and then cry for about an hour.”


What caused the Great depression?

A lack of comedians.


How is recession worse than divorce?

You lose half of your fortune and still have your wife.

[fleetp]

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.
Today we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.


Reminds me of a skit Bob Hope performed for the troops on his many visits. Over the years he used different ladies as his partner in the skit.

Here's when he performed it with Frances Langford The skit starts shortly after 1:56

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=140&v=F1GECmVqRgM&embeds_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fvideo.search.yahoo.com%2F&embeds_origin=https%3A%2F%2Fvideo.search.yahoo.com&source_ve_path=Mjg2NjIsMzY4NDI&feature=emb_logo

[Roland]

[corsair91]

Computer Jokes


Bill Gates and the president of GM were attending a Q and A session during a business seminar.

In answering a question from the audience, Gates boasted about the innovations his company had made.

"If GM had kept up with technology the way the computer industry has," Gates concluded, "we'd be driving $25 cars that get 1000 miles per gallon."

"Yes, I suppose that's true," the GM executive agreed. "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?"



If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
then programming must be the process of putting them in.


A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had
in a way you don't understand.


If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.


Artificial intelligence will never be a match for natural stupidity.


You know you're texting too much when...
...you try to text, but you're on a landline.


The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.


What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.


My software never has bugs, it just develops random features.


A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.


If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.


Those who can't write, write manuals.


There was once a young man who wanted to become a great writer and to write stuff that millions of people would read and react to on an emotional level, cry, howl in pain and anger, so now he works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


Alpha, n. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta, n. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."


MACINTOSH, n. An aconym for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs.


Percussive Maintenance, n. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.


Program, n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.

Program, v.t., To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.


Reference Manual, n. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for short table legs.


The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte.
And then everything crashed.


Upgrade, v. The act of removing old bugs from a program or operating system so that new ones can be installed.


Windows 95, n. Thirty-two bit extensions and a graphical shell for a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor, written by a two-bit company, that can't stand one bit of competition.

[fleetp]

[Pirate]

A Proctologist is preparing to perform a colonoscopy, and the nurse assistant enters the operating room and hands a beer to the Proctologist, upon which he immediately remarks, "I didn't say Bud Light, I said BUTT Light!"

[corsair91]

A student of proctology is in the morgue...

...one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

[corsair91]

MILITARY PRANKS

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits.

Here are some favorites:

Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas

Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes

Had a new guy conduct a "boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it

Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water
(in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)


Son: Dad, what was your favorite day as a soldier?

Dad: The first time I sent some private to find batteries for the chem lights.


Humankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up there.


The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.
The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

[corsair91]

On the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary,
Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.
Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.
When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that good champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles.
However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.
He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue! You nasty bitch, why'd you piss in the tub!?"


The old man had died. A funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."


One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied,
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new ...
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed in to the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".