Another Pirate Joke

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

I hope this one is OK for this board.... I will delete it if it goes too far.....

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

A pirate walks into a bar. He hops up on a stool and asks a bartender "got any grapes?". The bartender replies "no, this is a bar. We don't have grapes here". The pirate leaves. The next day he comes in to the same bar, hops up on the same stool and says "got any grapes?" the bartender angrily replies "NO! we don't have any grapes. I told you yesterday that this is a bar, now if you ask me one more time I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor". The pirate leaves. The next day the pirate returns and hops up on the same stool. The pirate asks "got any nails?" The bartender, puzzled says "no, why?" the pirate replies "got any grapes?"

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.

A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.

Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.

The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"

The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"

Captain Teague · Rigger Posts: 1185 **12207 Gold** -

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

A guy walks into that same Bar, walks up to the Bairmaid

Both Pictured here :

And says to the Bairmaid - I bet you $5 I can make your Boobs wobble - without touching you.

She agrees - he immediately reaches out - grabs both of them - shakes them - and promptly hands her the $5.

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to swing when I heard, "ribbit ... 9 iron."

I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, "ribbit 9 iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.

Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." so I decided to take the frog with him me the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "ribbit 3 wood."

I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. by the end of the day, i golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "ok where to next?"

The frog replies, "ribbit las vegas".

We went to las vegas and said, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "ribbit roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, "what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured what the heck.

Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "frog, I don't know how to repay you. you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "ribbit kiss me." I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous and well-developped 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God"

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

A man is playing golf with his priest, and not doing very well. After yet another fluffed shot, he swears: "Damn! Missed!". The priest is offended, and remonstrates, but after his next bungle, the parishioner swears again: "DAMN! Missed!" "If you continue swearing like that," the priest warns, "God himself will smite you." The parishioner, however, is so uptight about his game that he can't keep the oaths in when he next misses a shot. Immediately, there is a blinding flash of light, a deafening thunderclap... and where the priest was standing, there are now only a pair of shoes and a wisp of smoke. And a voice from the heavens booms: "Damn. Missed."

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

Part 1:

One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work. The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.

For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."

Part 2:

Same monastery, few months later. A second man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening). The monk explained and the man took the jobs. He also happily rang the bell for a few days before slipping and plunging to his death. The constable showed up and asked if the monk knew the man. The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

Two men are standing on a golf course. The first one steps up, tees his first ball, and positions himself for a swing. The man lifts his club, swings smoothly down and smacks the ball into the air. It sails off in a nice, long arc, but as it comes down the two men can see that it's heading straight for the water trap.

Just then, a wind picks up, and a lily pad is blown directly into the ball's path. The ball lands on the lily pad, and after a few seconds a frog hops up onto the pad, grabs the ball in its mouth, jumps off the pad and swims for shore.

When the frog reaches dry land, it spits out the ball, and no sooner has it disappeared into the water than a squirrel comes running up to the ball, grabs it in its paws, and scampers off across the grass. But before it can reach the trees, a hawk swoops down out of nowhere, grabs the squirrel in its talons, and begins to climb back up into the sky. Panicked and struggling to get free, the squirrel releases the ball from its paws, and with the altitude and speed gained from the hawk, the ball sails down in a long, clean fall straight into the hole. Hole in one.

The second man turns to the first, and says "OK, God. Are you going to play golf or are you going to f*** around?"

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas. As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons! Confused, he asks, "You're writing me a ticket!? What for?" The officer replies, "Posession of an illegal fire arm."

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

All very nice - Had me Grinning Smile

Just a bit.

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."

sparticus · Helmsman Posts: 5818 **44872 Gold** -

An oldie - but a goodie - here we have a slight variation to the ending :

"Artie chokes two for a dollar at Coles New World."

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

Three Birds on a Wire

A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem.
After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following
story:

"Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man
with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on
the wire?"

The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no. Let's try again, maybe you didn't hear me correctly,"
the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers.
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots
one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the
wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the man shot one bird, the noise
from the gun scared the other two away."

"Well," she says, "that's not technically correct, but I like the
way you think."

"Thanks," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question."

"Okay," she said guardedly.

"There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One
woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle,
and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked
innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony,
turning three shades of red.

"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "which one is it, the one
licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?
Which one is married?"

"Well, uh," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"

"Naw," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring.
But I like the way you think."

Salty Dog · Sailing Master Posts: 10060 **191991 Gold** -

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting
up the little boys by their armpits.

As she lifted one she couldn't help but notice that he was rather
well endowed, especially for a little kid.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
But thanks for the lift anyhow."