Another Pirate Joke

[Salty Dog]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem -- my husband
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing.
What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, my son," said the minister.

Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning
towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon,
he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to
bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off
and shove it up your ass!!!!!"

[Salty Dog]

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it
speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how
much. The owner said it was just $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She
hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to
say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage
daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it
looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later,
the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores,
same old faces. Hi George!"

[Salty Dog]

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving
above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red
lights on in his rear view mirror.

He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is
on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles
an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures
he can't outrun the cop and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day,
and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let
you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife
ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear
view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying
to give her back to me!

[Salty Dog]

A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they
saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road.
The horse walked over to eat the corn. Before he got to the corn
he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get
out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken, "Hey, go over to that farm house and get
some help to get me out of this mud."

When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can't find anybody to
help him get the horse out of the mud. However, he notices that
there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in
the ignition. The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road,
ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to
the horse. In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud.

The two proceed down the road again. And again they see some more
corn on the side of the road. This time the chicken crosses over
the ditch to get the corn. And as luck would have it, the chicken
gets stuck in the mud.

The chicken tells the horse, "Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull
me out of this mud."

The horse surveys the problem and says, "I think I can straddle
this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my
dick and I'll pull you out of the mud." The horse does as he says
and the chicken is pulled out of the mud.

So what is the moral of this story?

When your hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
chicks!

[Salty Dog]

One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him,
"Boy, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess."

The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog
into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, "Boy, if you
kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I will
stay with you for a week."

The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it
back into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said,
"Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will do ANYTHING you want!"

The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled, and put it back.
Finally, the frog cried, "Boy, what is the matter, I have told you
that I am a beautiful princess, and if you kiss me, I will stay
with you and do ANYTHING you want!"

The boy took the frog from his pocket and said, "Look, I am an
engineering student, I have no time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog is cool!"

[Salty Dog]

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom,
who lived three hours away.

"Well, darling," said her Mom, "How was your honeymoon?"

"It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time," said
the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really
horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really
horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me...PLEASE."
Then the bride began to sob over the phone. "PLEASE, mom come get
me!" begged the bride.

"But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell
me what's troubling you," said her mom.

Still sobbing the bride said to her mother..."Words like....DUST,
IRON, COOK, WASH!"

[Salty Dog]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even
a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in
the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls out one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a male voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open
the door.

"Nice tits, sister," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

[Salty Dog]

There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with
three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went
out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun,
making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.

Another Saturday night came around. About 7 p.m., there was a
knock on the door. He answered and the young man said,

"Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm taking her to the show.
Is she ready to go?" The farmer thought he was a clever boy and
wished them a good time.

A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy
appeared and said,

"Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. I'm taking her for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready." He thought that he must know Joe, but bade
them off as well with his best wishes.

A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.

"Hi, I'm Chuck..." The farmer shot him.

[Salty Dog]

New Entrance Policy in Heaven

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had
to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate
and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told,
they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.

The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening.
"You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone
how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not,
you go to Hell."

"Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I'd been suspecting my wife
of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and
catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment and she was lying
naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the
man but couldn't find him.

Then I remembered that we lived on the 25th floor of an apartment
building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging
off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go,
so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into
the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the
refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the
strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.

"Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..."

The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven
being full and the man would have to tell his story.

"Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an
apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony.
Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing
of the balcony below me."

"Suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my
hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he
came back out with a hammer and beat my hands again. I finally
fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved
my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his
refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me.
And now I'm here."

"Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..."

The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about
Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how
he died.

"Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was
hiding naked inside this refrigerator..."

[Salty Dog]

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them
is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man, that's interesting. And I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our
cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and become
friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign
from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune."

So she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle,
then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.

The man takes the bottle and asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

[Salty Dog]

An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor,
"We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch
and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find
someone else."

The couple said, "No, no, we trust you."

After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seem to
be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't
give you any suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After
they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't
having any trouble at all. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my
house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her
husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't
afford that. But you only charge $35, and medicare pays half of
that."

[Salty Dog]

The New Maid

A guy dials home from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid." answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just
figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you
like to make $50,000?"

"Sure, what do I have to do?"

"Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot
that unfaithful witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed
by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the
bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh...is this 555-4821?"

[Salty Dog]

Inquisitive Son

An inquisitive young boy is talking to his mother.

"Mommy, how old are you?"

"Oh, that's quite personal, son, and besides it's not polite to
ask a woman her age."

"Ok, mommy, then tell me, um, how much do you weigh?"

"Well, I can't tell you that either, a woman's weight is a secret."

The boy was getting a bit frustrated by now. "If you can't tell
me that, can you tell me why you and Daddy split up?"

"Someday I'll explain it to you but it's all quite complicated
and I don't think you'd understand."

The boy wandered off unfulfilled but kept all of this in the back
of his mind. The next day in school, he was talking to one of his
school chums and was told to look at his mom's driver's license.
That would have all of his answers.

So very early the next morning he snuck into her wallet and looked
at her driver's license. When she awoke, he said, "I know how old
you are!"

She said, "You do? How old am I?"

"You're 31. And I know how much you weigh, too!"

"Oh," she said, getting curious, "how much is that?"

"You weigh 126. And I even know why Daddy left!"

She was really curious now. "Why was that, son?"

"It's because you got an F in sex!"

[Salty Dog]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy
there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he is busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "The search team?! Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "They are looking for me!"

[Salty Dog]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short
skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he
was ready to order,

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"