Fun Lists

[Salty Dog]

As much use as...




1. A one legged man in an arse kicking contest (from Python I think)


2. A chocolate teapot (trad.)


3. Milk shoes


4. A nuclear powered computer controlled intercontinental ballistic duck.


5. A one to one scale model of the starship Enterprise made out of honey.


6. A flammable fire extinguisher



7. A glass cricket bat



8. A gelignite suppository.



9. A coal powered frog-violin.


10. Granite sugar cubes

11. Pasta audio wire


12. A pastry telephone


13. Ice cream gloves


14. A sugar surf board


15. Spam windscreen wipers



16. A blind lifeguard


17. Wooden soap


18. Shortbread tires


19. A whipped-cream jet engine


20. A knitted light bulb


21. A plate-steel trampoline


22. An invisible traffic light


23. A string hook



24. A bread boat



25. Plasticine wire cutters


26. A neon pink secret door


27. Chocolate staples


28. A lead balloon


29. A paper hole punch


30. A water hat


31. A latex multistory car park


32. A steel reinforced concrete sail


33. A margarine turbocharger


34. Custard floorboards


35. Gravy ceiling tiles


36. A fried motor-boat


37. A mud monitor


38. A chocolate disk


39. A silent telephone


40. A tap-dancing microprocessor controlled portrait of a bowl of soup


41. A velvet TV set


42. A concrete engine


43. A water-proof tea bag


44. An exploding bassoon


45. A stone cigarette


46. Syrup underwear


47. A plastic oven


48. A wax truss


49. A liquorice suspension bridge


50. Soap false teeth


51. Asbestos water wings


52. A lemonade roof


53. Velvet brake-pads


54. A pair of jelly wellingtons


55. A jam cardigan


56. A paper bicycle pump


57. Non-stick sellotape


58. A sponge radar


59. Anti-matter sun-tan lotion


60. Ice-cream saucepans


61. A soluble drain pipe


62. A cubic ball-bearing


63. An inflatable dartboard


64. A soluble lifeboat


65. A glass hammer


66. A packet of rubber nails


67. Elevator Earth Shoes


68. Heat'n'eat popsicles


69. See-through mirror


70. Revolving basement restaurant


71. G-rated pornflick


72. Economy car conversion - fiberglass VW body on a Porsche chassis


73. Roll-on hairspray


74. Solar-powered foghorn


75. Moped exercycle


76. Objective journalism


77. Braille speedometers


78. A screen door on a submarine


79. An ejector seat in a helicopter


80. Waterproof teabags


81. Solar powered torches


82. Central heated ice-cubes


83. A pocket in a pair of underpants


84. A chocolate dick


85. An astray on a motorbike


86. A sodium submarine


87. Tits on a bull


88. Aka. "Mammary glands on the male of the bovine species"


89. A condom with a hole in it


90. A box of matches in the desert

[Salty Dog]

Astrological Signs Like You have Never Seen them


1. Taurus (April 21-May 21)

These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach
to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The
typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna fuck?" The typical Taurus
comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one asshole
in my pants."

But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him.
He'll rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore,
and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's
business is done with Tauruses.

A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show
for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll
see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are
for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or
"Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.

Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex.
In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can
chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged
love life.

Famous Taurus people include Barbara Streisand, Margot Fonteyn,
Sandra Dee, Ella Fitzgerald, Irving Berlin, Johannes Brahms,
Sigmund Freud, Sandy Dennis.


2. Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an
enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then
go do something absolutely different, they are not being
two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they
know not what they do," he was probably looking at a gaggle
of Gemini.

This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes
always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they
are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men
are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by,
and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie!
ShAme on you! What was that all about?!!" And Brucie answers,
"Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my
life I wished I was a lesbian!"

Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught."
Women, especially, love to pricktease, and then when the guy falls
all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely
interested. Bitch.

However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are
easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini
parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar.
Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts,
even when neither of their parents have sisters.

Famous people born under this sign include Marilyn Monroe, Joan
Collins, Bob Hope, Tony Curtis, John Wayne, Pat Boone, Lord Larry
Olivier, Queen Victoria, Brigham Young.


3. Cancer (June 22-July 23)

This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac.
Cancers live for their homes and families. While the spouse
is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at
home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late
at the office to earn more bread for the family home.
Cancers get married. And fucked. And married. And fucked. And married.
But who's counting?

Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves
a kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what for play is, and she'll
say "something they shout on a golf course before they throw out
the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented
to describe a Cancer's honeymoon.

While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good
time, because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably
a Cancer.

Other famous people born under this sign are Ernest Hemingway,
Mary Baker Eddy, John Quincy Adams, Ginger Rogers, Olivia De Havilland,
Natalie Wood, Yul Brynner and Red Skelton.


4. Leo (July 24-August 23)

With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have
to be good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic,
which helps a lot in the free fuck department.
However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make
great one-night stands, they usually flop as spouses.

An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a
candle-lit honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a
classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses
her all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do
is talk about how wonderful and romantic they make each other
feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.

But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant,
someone you can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on.
On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get
in the way. They make great sales-people -- they can sell
fishnet stockings to a quadraplegiac.

Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous.
The phrases "The check is in the mail", "I love you", and
"I won't cum in your mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases
to save for Leos.

Famous Leos include Peter O'Toole, Lucille Ball, Herman
Melville, George Bernard Shaw, Cecil B DeMille and Claude
Debussy.


5. Virgo (August 24-September 23)

A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people
who can become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A
Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic attitude towards
sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched.

A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you
cum in his/her mouth, or $20 a minute, whichever "comes" first.
People born under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming,
and 'lives of the party', but they usually fuck it up by hiding
their emotions.

Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat
covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people
who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom
isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers,
if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after.
And if you even touch a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye.

Famous people born under this sign include Leo Tolstoy, Walter
Reed, H.G.Wells, Upron Sinclair, Cliff Robertson, Sean Connery,
Kitty Carlisle, Lauren Becall, Greta Garbo, Raquel Welch.


6. Libra (September 24-October 23)

Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be
right all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery,
but only for a couple of seconds at a time.

Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it.
Show me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight
dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you
a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that
may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.

Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else
is paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening
to art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always
Libras.

These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way
to drive a Libra ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll play loud punk
rock music." Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages.
Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a
well-behaved lover.

Famous Libras include Friedrich Nietzsche, Eugene O'Neill, Brigitte
Bardot (No? Really?), Julie Andrews, Angie Dickinson, Angela Lansbury,
Charleston Heston, and Helen Hayes.


7. Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac.
Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone
normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her
moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys".
Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to
duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at
30 paces.

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc.
They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to
their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios
hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person
to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age,
they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.

Charles Manson is a Scorpio.

Other famous Scorpios include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will Rogers,
Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the Heimlich
Manuever Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine Hepburn,
& about 1/12th of the rest of the human race.

Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They
think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every
penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted
marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just
depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can't
have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.

Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by
their friends...both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty...until
someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios
fear nothing. Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds.


8. Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people
fucking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the
party, and are never a burdon to their friends, letting the woes
of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.

A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are
also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what
ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius
person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get
married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.

They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it.
A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an
obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the
hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.

Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as
amusing a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the
leader of the PLO.

Famous Sagittarians include John Milton, Heinrich Heine, Martin
Van Buren, Fiorello La Guardia, Jane Fonda, Kirk Douglas,
Frank Sinatra, Joe Dimaggio, Noel Coward, Louisa May Alcott,
Lee Remick, Mary Martin and Andy Williams.


9. Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality,
hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend
to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which,
Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they
really only have 3.

Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they
are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class.
These are the true snots of the world. But they make good
supportive wives....especially the men.

Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other
people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are
much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But
if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even.
They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees
when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end
up with a pussy full of cocksicle.

Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate
lovers in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since
they rarely touch drugs, this almost never happens.

Famous Capricorns are Louis Pasteur, Ben Franklin, Beethoven,
Isaac Newton, Henry Miller, Rudyard K.ipling, Marlene Dietrich,
Loretta Young, Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Kaye, Cary Grant, Janis
Joplin and Elvis Presley.


10. Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most
original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians
fuck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an
elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.

Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp
analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual
position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility.
Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are
a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented
by Aquarians.

Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the
"pity fuck." Someone having a rough time? Well, fuck 'em!
Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an
Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months.
It depends on how many positions, "toys" and hours the session
lasts.

On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't
give a shit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless,
slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign
are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass
them on.

Famous Aqaurians include: Vanessa Redgrave, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and
her sister Eva, Kim Novak, Paul Newman, Clark Gable, John
Barrymore, Cahrles Dickens, Thomas Edison, Lewis Carroll
and Robert Burns.

[Salty Dog]

11. Pisces (February 20-March 20)

These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all the
signs. Pisces can't get it up, and Pisces women have pussies
that are as wet and wide as the Mississippi. They often marry
each other, which shows what nerds they really are. And of
course they deserve each other. And it keeps the world fun for
the rest of us.

The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called
the "armpit of the zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn't
enough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem.

There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except
that creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as a
result, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans.

Some famous people born under this sign include Henrik Ibsen,
Andrew Jackson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Anais Nin, Elizabeth
Taylor, Ursula Andress, Renoir, Chopin, Handel, Rudolf Nureyev,
Jerry Lewis, David Niven, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash (They
DO deserve each other!), Luther Burbank, Henry W. Longfellow,
Jackie Gleason, Lawrence Welk, Dinah Shore, Enrico Caruso.


12. Aries (March 21-April 20)

Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative
leaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are the
first people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They are
the people who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow it
by the numbers.

Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when
the boss's wife is horny. This is the guy who gets the woman into
the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out
to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times.

The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with that
limber body and great stamina, they get bored with "the same old
thing" every night. From woman-on-top to shetland-pony-on-top is
not a long leap for an Aries.

Famous people in the Aries birthright include: Bette Davis, Joan
Crawford, Johan Sebastian Bach, Doris Day, Marlon Brando, Omar
Sharif, Peter Ustinov, Harry Houdini and Debbie Reynolds.

[Salty Dog]

Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings


1. I will not waste chalk


2. I will not skateboard in the halls


3. I will not burp in class


4. I will not instigate revolution


5. I will not draw naked ladies in class


6. I did not see Elvis


7. I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'


8. Garlic gum is not funny


9. They are laughing at me, not with me


10. I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom


11. I will not encourage others to fly


12. I will not fake my way through life


13. Tar is not a plaything


14. I will not Xerox my butt


15. I will not trade pants with others


16. I will not do that thing with my tongue


17. I will not drive the principal's car


18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart


19. I will not sell school property


20. I will not cut corners


21. I will not get very far with this attitude


22. I will not make flatulent noises in class


23. I will not belch the National Anthem


24. I will not sell land in Florida


25. I will not grease the monkey bars


26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment


27. I will not do anything bad ever again


28. I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}

[Salty Dog]

Bathroom Sayings


1. Here I sit, in the hall of vapors.
Some darn fool done stole the papers.
The bell has rung I must not linger.
Look out ass here comes my finger.

(Variation) Here I sit in deadly vapor,
Wishing for some toilet paper.
How long, I wonder, must I linger,
Before I'm forced to use my finger?

(Variation) Here I sit
In the halls
of Vapor.
Some darn fool
Done stole
the Paper

(Variation) Here I sit,
In the vapor.
Last guy in,
Used all the paper!


2. Found printed on a condom machine.
"This is the worst chewing-gum I have ever ate!"


3. Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:
"My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:
"I do not."


4. Those who write on bathroom walls,
Roll their shit in little balls.
And you who read these words of wit,
Eat those little balls of shit.


5. Here I sit, broken hearted
Came to shit and only farted.
Wasted a dime, but what the hell,
At least I can sit, and enjoy the smell.

(Variation) Here I sit, broken hearted,
Paid a dime and only farted.
The next time I took a chance,
Saved a dime and shit my pants.

(Variation) Here I sit lonely hearted,
Tried to shit, but only farted.
Back at my desk I take a chance,
Tried to fart, but shit my pants.


6. Found this on a condom machine at a local tavern.
"For a full refund, please deposit baby here!"


7. Be like Pop,
Not like Sis.
Lift the lid,
Before you Piss!


8. Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink.
I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the writing on the walls.


(Variation) Some come here to sit and think
And write upon the wall.
I come here to shit and stink
And scratch my hairy balls.


9. What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom?
The candy man can.


10. Women's bathroom:
"We aim to please,
Men claim to please."


11. One over a Urinal:
"We aim to please.
You AIM TOO, PLEASE!"


12. (in a large nasty scrawl)
"I fucked your mother!"
(below it in smaller more precise script)
"Go home Dad, you're drunk!"

[Salty Dog]

Best and Worst Comments Taken From MIT Course Evaluation Guide


1. "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."


2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."


3. "In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."


4. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"


5. "Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."


6. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."


7. "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"


8. "Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."


9. "Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the
way I felt all term."


10. "This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on
faith."

11. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."


12. "Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."


13. "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where
I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."


14. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my
comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."


15. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've
got a cool nest in the tree."


16. "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."


17. "TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started drinking
and it really loosened him up."


18. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--spraying in all
directions--no way to stop it."


19. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin
tapes that I used while doing the problem sets"


20. "What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality
paper.'


21. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered
on the final exam."

[Salty Dog]

Big Busted Women...


1. can get a taxi on the worst days


2. have a neat place to carry spare change


3. have always been the center of the arts (art)


4. make jogging a spectator sport


5. can keep a magazine dry while laying the tub


6. have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)


7. usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie


8. can always carry a little extra


9. always float better


10. know where to look first for lost earrings

11. rarely lack for a slow dance partner


12. have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

[Salty Dog]

Brand Name Condoms and Their Slogans


1. Nike Condoms: Just do it.


2. Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more?


3. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.


4. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.


5. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.


6. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.


7. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.


8. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Point and Shoot!


9. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Have you Driven a Ford Lately?


10. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

11. Jeep-Eagle Condom: There's Only One Jeep (sold in singles only)


12. The Saturn Condom: A *Different* Kind of Condom


13. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish
everybody did?


14. NY Lotto Condoms: 'Cause, hey -- you never know.


15. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.


16. EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...


17. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.


18. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.


19. Diet Coke Condom: Just for the taste of it.


20. Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one.


21. Bud-Lite Condom: Where's the Love Man!


22. Honda Motorcycle Condom: Come Ride With Us


23. SEVEN-UP Condom: The UN-Condom


24. Iomega Condom: For All Your Stuff


25. Microsoft Condom: Where do you want to go today? We are universally
compatible

[Salty Dog]

Cartoon Laws of Physics

1. Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters
in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At
this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second
takes over.


2. Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
the stooge's surcease.


3. Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming exactly to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality
of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who
are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a
house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyses this reaction.


4. Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.


5. Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the
cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet
of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need
never touch the ground, especially when in flight.


6. Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among
bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has
the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may
ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.


7. Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick
an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow
into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.


8. Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.


9. Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

[Salty Dog]

Chinese Proverbs

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.


2. Man who run in front of car get tired.


3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.


4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.


5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.


6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.


7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.


8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.


9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.


10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

11. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.


12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.


13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.


14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.


16. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.


17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.


18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.


21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


22. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.


23. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.


24. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.


25. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.


26. Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.


27. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.


28. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.


29. Man who jizz in cash register come into money.


30. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

[Salty Dog]

Chinese vs. English


1. Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table


2. Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting


3. Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift


4. Dum Gai A stupid person


5. Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention


6. Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field?


7. Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive


8. Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host


9. Kum Hia Approach me


10. Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island

11. Lao Zi Not very good


12. Lin Ching An illegal execution


13. Moon Lan Ding A great achievement of the American space program


14. Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs


15. Shai Gai A bashful person


16. Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant


17. Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse


18. Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people


19. Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B.


20. Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you


21. Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile


22. Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity?


23. Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice

[Salty Dog]

Collection of Curses


1. May all your teeth fall out except for the one with the toothache!


2. May your daughter's hair grow thick and abundant, all over her face!


3. May onions grow in your navel!


4. May the IRS disallow all your deductions!


5. May you have an interesting and exotic vacation, in Haiti!


6. May the Easter Bunny leave you rotten eggs and jellied green beans!


7. May you be given a lump of coal for Christmas!


8. May all of Santa's reindeer get the shits on your roof!


9. May you be stricken with epilepsy while having open heart surgery!


10. May you be ticketed for driving 56 on the Interstate highway!

11. May you be described in the paper as an "alleged child molester."


12. May you swallow a fishbone whilst eating sushi!


13. May all the BBSs deny you access forevermore!


14. May you try your luck at roller skating, while descending the stairs!


15. May a mean surgeon sew up your asshole!


16. May your boat capsize in the middle of the lake, and may your mother
attract to attention as she runs up and down the shore, barking.


17. May the fleas of a thousand dead camels infest one of your errogenous zones.


18. May you turn into a chandelier, and hang all day and burn all night!


19. May the desert winds blow a pissed off scorpion up your undershorts.

[Salty Dog]

Collection of Lame Jokes


1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.


6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.


7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.


9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

11. How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?


12. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.


13. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.


14. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.


15. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.


16. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?
That's because he hides well.


17. What was the centerpiece of the annual
Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention?
A cake jumping out of a girl.


18. Where do kings keep their armies?
In their sleevies.


19. Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty-bodies.

[Salty Dog]

Collection of Trick Questions



1. How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?
a. 3
b. 4
c. 12
d. 6


2. You're the pilot of an airplane that travels from New York to
Chicago - a distance of 800 miles. The ai.rplane travels at 200
m.p.h. and makes one stop for 30 minutes. What is the pilot's name?
a. There is information missing.
b. You can't tell from the question.
c. Both a & b.
d. You can tell from the question.


3. Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?
a. Yes.
b. No.
c. Legality has nothing to do with it.
d. It's legal, but unethical.


4. There are ten black and ten white stockings in a drawer. If you
reach into the drawer in the dark, what is the least number of
stockings you must take out before you are sure of a pair that
matches?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 3
d. 4


5. A kangaroo is at the bottom of a 30-foot well. Each day he jumps up
three feet and slips back two. At that rate, when will he reach the
top?
a. 27th day
b. 28th day
c. 29th day
d. 30th day


6. A rope ladder is hanging over the side of a ship. The ladder is 12
feet long, and the rungs are one foot apart. The lowest rung is
resting on the top of the ocean. The tide rises at the rate of four
inches per hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs
of the ladder are under water?
a. 36 hours.
b. 2 days.
c. They will never be under water.
d. 1 day.


7. Which would be worth more - a trunk full of nickels or a half a
trunk full of dimes?
a. Dimes.
b. Nickels.
c. Both are the same.
d. None of the above.


8. A child playing on the beach had 6-1/6 sand piles in one place and
3-1/3 in another. If he put them together, how many sand piles would
he have?
a. 10
b. 3-1/3
c. 2-5/6
d. None of the above.


9. It takes 4-1/2 hours for a jet to fly coast to coast. One plane
leaves Los Angeles for New York at 4:40 P.M., while another plane
leave New York for Los Angeles at 6:00 P.M. Which plane will be
closer to New York when they pass each other?
a. The LA bound plane.
b. The NY bound plane.
c. Neither would be closer.
d. None of the above.


10. In the Hope family there are seven sisters and each sister has one
brother. Including Mr. & Mrs. Hope, how many are in the family?
a. 10
b. 16
c. 14
d. None of the above.

11. If the Vice President of the United States should die, who would be
President?
a. The Speaker of the House.
b. The Secretary of State.
c. The President Pro Temp.
d. The President.


12. How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 21?
a. 10
b. 10
c. Unlimited
d. None of the above.


13. Would it be cheaper for you to take one friend to the movies twice,
or two friends to the movies at the same time?
a. Two friends at the same time.
b. One friend twice.
c. It would cost the same.
d. The former would be twice as expensive as the latter.


14. On a farm in Malaya is the world's most perfect plum tree. The main
trunk has exactly 24 branches, each branch exactly 12 boughs, each
bough exactly 6 twigs, and each twig bears one piece of fruit. How
many apples on the tree?
a. 42
b. 1126
c. 188
d. None of the above.


15. When you take two apples from three apples, what do you have?
a. 2
b. 1
c. 3
d. None of the above.


16. How close a relative would the sister-in law of your father's only
brother be?
a. Your aunt
b. Your grandmother
c. Your grandfather
d. Your mother


17. A bus starts at the depot with six passengers. It proceeds a few
blocks and stops. Two passengers get off and five get on. It
continues a short distance and stops. Three get off and seven
board. It stars again, continues, and stops and four get off and
four get on. It proceeds on its route, stops, and five get on,
three leave, then two more get on. On the next stop, 14 get on and
no one gets off. How many stops did the bus make?
a. 21
b. 5
c. 23
d. 4


18. Can you throw a golf ball with all your might and, without hitting a
wall or other obstruction, have it stop and come right back to you?
a. You can't
b. You can
c. Only if you can "doctor" the ball
d. None of the above


19. In which book of the Bible do you read about Abel slaying Cain?
a. In Genesis
b. In Deuteronomy
c. In both Genesis and mentioned in Exodus
d. It's not in the Bible


20. Read the following sentence slowly once counting the number of F's.
Final Files Are The Result Of Years
Of Scientific Study With The Experience Of Years.
How many did you find?
a. 2
b. 3
c. 4
d. 6


21. How many cubic feet of earth are there in a hole 2 yards wide,
3 yards long, and 4 yards deep?
a. 26 yards
b. 72 yards
c. 24 yards
d. None


22. If you drop a steel ball into a bucket of water, at which
temperature would it fall fastest?
a. -50 C
b. 20 F
c. 32 C
d. There would be no difference


23. When somebody says, "I'll break every bone in your body", how many
bones would he have to break?
a. 50
b. 200
c. 500
d. 1000


24. How many punctuation marks are there in English grammar?
a. 5
b. 9
c. 14
d. 18


25. How well do you remember old movies? What character played by Boris
Karloff brought him the greatest success?
a. Frankenstein
b. Dracula
c. A scientist
d. The monster


26. The amount of water flowing into a tank doubles every minute. The
tank is full in an hour. When was the tank half full?
a. 15 minutes
b. 10 minutes
c. 29 minutes
d. 59 minutes


27. There are two 5-gallon containers. One has 4 gallons of red fluid
and the other 4 gallons of blue. One gallon of the blue is poured
into the red container, and then one gallon of the now mixed 4-red
to 1-blue is poured back into the blue container. Is there more
red in the blue or more blue in the red container
a. Twice as much red in the blue
b. Twice as much blue in the red
c. 4/5 as much blue in the red
d. Both will be even


28. You've seen a map of Italy. In which direction does the toe of the
boot face?
a. East
b. West
c. North
d. South


29. By what fractional part does four-fourths exceed three-fourths?
a. 1/4
b. 1/6
c. 1/3
d. 3/8


30. A sophisticated computer is fed this knotty problem.
Between two clocks, one of which is broken and doesn't run at all
while the other looses one second every 24 hours, which is more
accurate?
a. The slow clock is twice as accurate
b. The broken clock is far more accurate
c. Neither are ever accurate
d. Both are equally accurate

[Salty Dog]

Collection of Very Clean Humor


1. What's in front of a woman and back of a cow?

The letter W.


2. What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Coconut.


3. What's about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it, and women
love to get their hands on?

A $100 bill.


4. What goes in hard and solid then comes out soft and sticky?

Bubblegum.


5. What is long, hard and round and sticks so far out a man's
pajamas that you can hang a hat on it?

His head.


6. What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a
dog does on three legs?

Shake hands.


7. What is it that a woman has two and a cow has four?

Legs.


8. What assists an erection, often has big balls hanging from
it, and is also called a big swinger?

A crane.


9. What do you stick poles inside of, tie down to get it up.
and also gets wet before you do?

A tent.


10. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not
to swallow. I can fill your hole.

A dentist.

11. What do you stick your finger in and fiddle with when you're bored?
The best man always has me first.

A wedding ring.


12. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.

An elevator.


13. What comes in many sizes, drips when it is not well, and makes you
feel good when you blow it?

A nose.


14. When I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news.

A newspaper boy.


15. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your
fingers to get me off.

A glove.


16. What has a stiff shaft, has a penetrating tip, and comes with a
quiver?

An arrow.


17. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little
pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

A bird.


18. This is a useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches
long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant
action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end
and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted,
almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into
a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out
again and again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening
in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound
resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally
withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer
surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids
have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state
of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching
its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much
less. What is it?

It is your very own toothbrush.


19. What's brown and sticky?

A stick.