Fun Lists

[Salty Dog]

Unconventional Wisdom


1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.


3. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


5. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.


6. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper that's the time to do it.


7. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


8. Give a man the fire and you'll keep him warm for one day. Set the man on fire -- and
you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.


9. No one is listening until you make a mistake.


10. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.


12. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your
help. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


13. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.


14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.


15. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


16. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.


17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

[Salty Dog]

Unlikely Barney Episodes


1. "BARNEY GETS A BONER"


2. "BARNEY'S NIGHT WITH MADONNA"


3. "BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD"


4. "BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS"


5. "JURASSIC BARNEY"


6. "BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN"


7. "BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS"


8. "BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER"


9. "BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG"


10. "PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO"

11. "BOPPING BABY BOP"


12. "BARNEY'S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS"


13. "BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET"


14. "BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA"


15. "BARNEY ON A BENDER"


16. "BARNEY HAS NEEDS..."


17. "BARNEY AT BETTY FORD"


18. "BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS"


19. "BARNEY'S BIG PURPLE ONE"


20. "BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL"


21. "BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE"

[Salty Dog]

Uses for Data Head

1. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk


2. The ball in Parisis' Squares


3. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft


4. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet


5. Scare blind students in Braille class


6. Prop open doors for maintenance crews


7. Lawn decoration in Arboretum


8. Footstool for Captain's chair


9. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show


10. Scare Alexander into doing chores


11. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift


12. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank


13. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research


14. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards


15. Two words: tether ball


16. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking


17. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet


18. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class


19. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time


20. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life
insurance policy

[Salty Dog]

Variations On Murphy's Law

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.


2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they
have nothing to lose.



3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the
tiger starves last.


4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you
had better let him lead.


5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse.


6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.


7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.


8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
have to do it himself.


9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.


10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work
in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who
knows what is going on. That person must be fired.


12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.


13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.


14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.


15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.


16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.


17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.


18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way
programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came
along would have destroyed civilization.

[Salty Dog]

Warning Labels


1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)


2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)


3. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)


4. On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)


5. On a tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)


6. On bread pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day....)


7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)


8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication"
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)


10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)


12. On peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH)


13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)


14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)


15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?... Good grief)


16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food."
("Hey Mom we're out of syrup! " - " It's OK, honey! Just grab the Palmolive! ")


17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control."
(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little
toothpaste?)


18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in
washing machine."
("Hey, no more swimming in the washing machine, kids!" - "Aww, you mean we have to
use the swimming pool? ")

[Salty Dog]

Water and Coke

1. Seventy-five percent of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half world population.)


2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often
mistaken for hunger.


3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.


4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of
the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.


5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.


6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.


7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with
basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.


8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it
can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less likely to develop
bladder cancer.


9. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.


10. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the
"real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke
removes stains from vitreous china.

11. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up
piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.


12. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the
terminals to bubble away the corrosion.


13. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt
for several minutes.


14. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in
aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil,
allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.


15. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add
detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease
stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.


16. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in
the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.


17. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a
nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a
major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.


18. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the
Hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.


19. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for
about 20 years!

[Salty Dog]

Ways to Annoy People


1. Put your face really close to theirs while they're facing a
different direction, tap them on the shoulder, and watch them
jump when they turn to face you.


2. Copy their actions and everything they say.


3. Step on the backs of their heels while they're walking.


4. Yell across a crowded room to them: "Hey, John, the results came
back from the V.D. clinic: we're clean!"


5. In a communal shower or shower house, turn the hot water all the
way up and the cold water all the way down (or vice versa) while
they're rinsing the shampoo out of their hair and can't see
anything. Or, when you're finished showering, go outside and turn
the main valve off.


6. Pretend you don't understand what they're saying, no matter how
much they yell and how slowly they say it.


7. When somebody asks, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" reply, "No, all
of them."


8. When somebody asks, "Do you have the time?" reply, "Yeah."


9. If you have a dot matrix printer, leave the little computer paper
tracks on the paper when turning in a report or essay.


10. Ask an artist, "It's not finished yet, is it?"


11. On a summer day, ask anybody, "Hot enuff for ya?"(NOTE: Proper
response to this question is to hit offender in the face and ask,
"Hurt enough for you?")


12. Sign someone up on a junk mail list.


13. Go into a frozen yogurt joint where they have lots of toppings.
Order a cup, and say to the guy, in the most annoying tone
imaginable, "Do you have M&M's? Yeah? Good. How 'bout raisins?
Yeah, and sprinkles. Do you have cookie crumbs?" After he has
proceeded to put them on the yogurt, exclaim, "I hate cookie
crumbs. They make me sick. I can't even smell them, that's how
much I hate them. Aagh, yuck!" Watch the salesperson fume as he is
forced to throw away the entire cup.


14. Walk into a store that has a sign that says, "Have a penny? Give a
penny! Need a penny? Take a penny!" with a HUGE jar of pennies.
Take a penny out of the cup, put it into your jar, and walk out.


15. Pull up alongside somebody while driving on the freeway, and
gesture violently, indicating that they should pull over
immediately. When they pull over, just continue driving.


16. Take a pencil, stick a piece of chewed gum onto it, and stick it
to the ground. Then wait for some cheap-o to come along and try to
pick it up.


17. Play 'Penis.'


18. While standing next to someone, unobtrusively reach your arm
around their back, and tap them on the opposite shoulder.


19. Tell someone, "Okay, here's what you do: bite down on both your
pinky nails really hard for about thirty seconds, and then when I
tell you that time is up, link your pinkies and pull really hard."
If they ask, "Why?" tell them that it feels really neat. If done
correctly, this trick should cause excruciating pain.


20. Engage someone in a conversation, and have a friend sneak up
behind them, and get down on his hands and knees. Then, all of a
sudden, violently push the person to whom you are talking, and
laugh with sadistic glee as they tumble backwards over the person
kneeling behind them.


21. Tell someone, "Man, your hands smell bad!" When they try to smell
their hand, smack it so it hits their face. This one can also be
performed with a piece of pie. When they lean down to smell the
pie, grab the back of their head and smoosh it into the pie.


22. After somebody finishes telling a joke, say in a very grave tone,
"My brother (sister/mother/father) died that way."


23. Walk up behind somebody wearing a button down shirt or a short
sleeved collar shirt, insert your finger into the little strip of
fabric sewn across the top just below the collar, yell "FAG TAG!"
at the top of your lungs, and rip it off.


24. Give somebody a grundy.


25. Pinch a guy's nipple. You may also pinch a girl's nipple if you
please, but this falls under '101 Ways to Sexually Harass People.'


26. Leave the following message on someone's answering machine: "Sir,
we're not sure if you wanted us to do it, you know, after what
happened, so, well, we went ahead and did it anyway. If you don't
like it, we can probably take it out, but we'll have to charge you
extra. Please return this call immediately. Thanks."


27. Tell somebody that's wearing velcro shoes or slip-ons that their
shoelaces are untied.


28. Tell lots of puns.


29. Be a Jew for Jesus.


30. Give somebody a Wet Willy.

[Salty Dog]

Ways to be obnoxious on Usenet


1. Post a message asking how to post messages.


2. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly
names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.


3. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP
key, and your home phone in your signature.


4. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in follow-ups.


5. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.


6. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago
with a title such as *** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***


7. Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to
news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.


8. On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.


9. Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune
for a poll.


10. Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke.


11. Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet
have its own sex group.


12. Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.


13. Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.


14. Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).


15. Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of
roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new HOOTERAMA phone sex
service or PorqWhiffe pheramone cologne.


16. Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing
how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have
implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.


17. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster,
and selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts.


18. Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.


19. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.


20. Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable
interchange of provocative ideas.


21. Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.


22. Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular
address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to
send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy
Crawford.


23. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word
imbecile in your follow-up flames.


24. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.


25. Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.

[Salty Dog]

Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of People in the Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.


2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.


3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait
5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.


4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.


5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
screen than the one it's set up with.


6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.


7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.


8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.


9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.


10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.


12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.


13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.


14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.


15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."


16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"O pleaseo pleaseo pleaseo please," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.


17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"


18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).


19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.


20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.


21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain
loudly that women (men) are worthless.


22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.


23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.


24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.


25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

[Salty Dog]

Ways to Cope with Stress


1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
many you can do at a time.


2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.


3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.


4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.


5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.


6. Dance naked in front of your pets.


7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as
if nothing is wrong.


8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.


9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.


10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.


12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.


13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.


14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.


15. Drive to work in reverse.


16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.


17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.


18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.


19. Polish your car with earwax.


20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.


21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.


22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.


23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.


24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.


25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.


26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back
in the wrapper.

[Salty Dog]

Ways to Get Rid of Your Blind Date


1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the
impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches
for it.


2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and
balance them in a tower on your table.


3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.


4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.


5. Repeat every third third word you say say.


6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high
school yearbook.


7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.


8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.


9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they
are talking about.


10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.


12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
venues that use linen tablecloths.


13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.


14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.


15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
about themselves.


16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.


17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.


18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than
they do.


19. Drool.


20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.


21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in
front of you.


22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order
another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in
the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"


23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.


24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.


25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the
subject up.


26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.


27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.


28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.


29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can
keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.


30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

[Salty Dog]

What Does Love Mean?

1. "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8


2. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You
just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4


3. "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5


4. "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6


5. "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4


6. "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7


7. "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8


8. "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen," Bobby - age 7


9. "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on
this planet)


10. "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears
it everyday." Noelle - age 7

11. "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6


12. "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.looked at
all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was
the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8


13. "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing
me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6


14. "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5


15. "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7


16. "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day." Mary Ann - age 4


17. "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4


18. "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars
come out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7


19. "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8


20. Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked
to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The
winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly
gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the
little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and
just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor,
the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

[Salty Dog]

What Is It Called?


1. The practice of eating insects is called entomophagy.
Most insects are edible. There are 1,462 recorded species of edible insects. And
they're quite nutritious. For instance, 100 grams of cricket contains only 121
calories, less than half of beef. A cricket contains only 5,5 grams of fat, compared
to 21,2g of beef. Beef contains more protein (23,5g - a cricket 12.9g) but the 100g
of cricket also contains 5,1g of carbohydrates, 75,8 mg calcium, 185,3 mg
phosphorous, 9,5 mg iron, thiamin, riboflavin, and niacin.


2. Mid-men, the male versions of mid-wives, are called accouchers.


3. The working section of a piano is called the action.


4. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.


5. The distance that a place holder falls from a glass when it is lifted (you know,
place holders sometimes get stuck to the bottom of a cold glass when you lift the
glass) is called a bevemeter.


6. The study of creatures such as Bigfoot, the chupacabra, and the Loch Ness monster is
called cryptozoology. Zoologist Bernard Heuvelmans coined the term to describe his
investigations of animals unknown to science.


7. The apparatus used in alcohol distilleries for freeing the spirit from water is
called the dephlegmator.


8. One that speaks two languages - is bilingual - can be said to be diglot.


9. Ducks are never male. The males of the species are called drakes.


10. Shoemakers are commonly called cobblers but correctly speaking a cobbler is a shoe
repairmen. A shoemaker is a cordwainer.

11. The device at the intersection of two railroad tracks to permit the wheels and
flanges on one track to cross or branch for the other is called a frog.


12. A specific length of thread or yarn according to the type of fiber is called a hank.
For linen, a hank is 274 metres (300 yards); for cotton, it is 768 metres (840 yards).


13. The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula.


14. The thin line of cloud that forms behind an aircraft at high altitudes is called a
contrail.


15. A depth of 2 fathoms (3,6 metres) is called a Mark Twain. Originally a fathom was the
space reached by with two arms outstretched.


16. In the early days of film making, people who worked on the sets were called movies.
The films were called potion pictures.


17. The tendency of the leaves or petals of certain plants to assume a different position
at night is called nyctitropism.


18. The back of the human hand is the opisthenar.


19. Someone who uses as few words as possible when speaking is called pauciloquent.


20. People that study fish are called ichthyologists.


21. The pin that holds a hinge together is called a pintle.


22. The gland responsible for producing the hormone that regulates growth is called the
pituitary gland. It is the size of a pea.


23. A melody is a group of notes in a certain order that results in a sweet or agreeable
sound. An easily remembered melody is called a tune.


24. Compulsive shopping was identified by a German psychiatrist almost a hundred years
ago. Clinically it is known as oniomania. Shopaholics are the people who do not
suffer from chrematophobia, which is the fear of touching money.


25. In early France the distance a man could walk while smoking one pipeful of tobacco
was called a pipee.


26. The central shaft of a bird's feather which bears the vane or web of the feather is
called a rachis.


27. The small cup in which an espresso is served is called a demitasse.


28. A philologist studies linguistics and etymology.


29. The hairless area of roughened skin at the tip of a bear's snout is called the rhinarium.


30. Someone who habitually picks their nose is called a rhinotillexomaniac (rhino = nose,
tillexis = habit of picking at something, mania = obsession with something)


31. A building in which silence is enforced, like a library or school room, is referred
to as a silentium.


32. The ear-splitting sound produced by the high notes of a bagpipe is called a skirl.


33. The fleshy projection above the bill on a turkey is called a snood.


34. People who chase after rare birds are called twitchers.


35. gills of ale and beer is 1 pint, 2 pints = 1 quart, 4 quarts = 1 gallon, 9 gallons
= 1 firkin, 2 firkins = 1 kilderkin, 3 kilderkins = 1 hogshead, 2 hogsheads = 1 butt.

[Salty Dog]

Why Coffee is Better the Women


1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.


2. Coffee doesn't complain when you've put whipped cream in it.


3. Coffee looks better in the morning.


4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.


5. You can always warm coffee up.


6. Coffee comes with endless refills.


7. Coffee is cheaper.


8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.


9. Coffee never runs out.


10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.


12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.


13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.


14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.


15. Coffee smells and tastes good.


16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.


17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.


18. You can always get fresh coffee.


19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it will be hot when you get back.


20. They sell coffee at police stations.


21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.


22. Coffee goes down easier.


23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.


24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.


25. A big cup or a small cup? It doesn't matter.


26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.


27. Coffee smells good in the morning.


28. Coffee smells good when it's cold too.


29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.


30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

[Salty Dog]

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? -- Famous Answers


1. Aristotle : To actualize its potential.


2. Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?


3. George Bush : To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.


4. Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.


5. Candide : To cultivate its garden.


6. Bill the Cat : Oop Ack.


7. Buddha : If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.


8. Moses : Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has
crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road
doth so for its own preservation.


9. Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.


10. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events
to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented
avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean
achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is
truly a remarkable occurrence.


11. Salvador Dali : The Fish.


12. Darwin : It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.


13. Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.


14. Rene Descartes : It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.


15. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.


16. Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken cross?


17. TS Eliot : Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.


18. TS Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?


19. Epicures : For fun.


20. Paul Erdos : It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.


21. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.


22. Basil Fawlty : Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.


23. Gerald R. Ford : It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its
forward momentum.


24. Sigmund Freud : The chicken obviously was female and obviously
interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was
mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious,
selbstverstaendlich.


25. Robert Frost : To cross the road less traveled by.


26. Zsa Zsa Gabor : It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which,
thank goodness, are good, dahling.


27. Gilligan : The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be
lost, the chicken would be lost!


28. Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.


29. Ernest Hemingway : To die. In the rain.


30. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
but it was moving very fast.