Cowboy Jokes

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

A young cowboy walks into the saloon.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chowder.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chowder back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."

The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"

"Rustling."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

The locals in the saloon have a nasty habit of picking on strangers, which of course the cowboy was.

After he finishes his drink, the cowboy goes outside only to find his horse has been stolen. So he goes back into the bar, flips his gun into the air, catches it over his head without looking and finally fires a shot into the ceiling.

He then angrily yells, "Which one of you fools stole my horse?"

There's a silence as no one answers, so the cowboy yells even more angrily, "Alright, I'm gonna have one more beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I did in Texas! And let me tell you I don't like to have to do what I did in Texas!"

Some of the locals shift nervously in there seats.

The cowboy has another beer as he said he would and then walks outside. His horse has been returned and tied to the post where he originally left it.

So the cowboy saddles up and starts to ride out of town. As he does so, the bartender walks out of the bar and asks him, "Say pardner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turns to him and says, "I had to walk home."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll beat you all unconscious."

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

A tough old cowboy from Texas one day told his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are due to be executed on the same day.

The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber.

The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

At the end of a long working day, one cowboy says to another, "You know, that new bull nearly did me in today, Pardner."

"Why, what happened?" asks the other cowboy.

The first cowboy says, "Well, I was putting out the feed, when the bull came charging at me like a train from hell. He darn near got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?" asks the second cowboy.

The first cowboy replies, "The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."

"Man, that's scary! If it'd been me, I'd probably have crapped all over the place," says the second cowboy.

The first cowboy says, "I did! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

What do you call a retired cowboy?

Deranged.

A visitor to a ranch says to a cowboy, "Wow,you sure have a lot of flies buzzing around your horses and cattle. Do you ever shoo them?

The cowboy says, "No, we just let them go barefoot."

A cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving"

The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?"

The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy and the insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

Two cowboys from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.

As she gasped and gagged, one cowboy turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no.

Then the cowboy asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt.

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The cowboy sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

An old rancher had a small ranch that he worked for many many years. Then one year, the IRS claimed that he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the IRS agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who has been with me for about 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."

"Any others?" asked the agent.

"Well, the cook has been here for 18 months ever since my wife passed away. I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board." answered the old rancher.

"Is that everyone? You realize that making false statements to the IRS can mean a fine, jail time, or a confiscation of your land and equipment!" said the IRS agent trying to intimidate the old rancher.

"Well," thought the old rancher, "there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a glass or two of bourbon every Saturday night as a reward."

"That's the guy! I want to talk to the half-wit!" demanded the agent.

"That would be me," replied old rancher.

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

The old cowboy came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.

He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..." said the sheriff.

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

corsair91 · Sailing Master Posts: 8157 **210637 Gold** -

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.