Cowboy Jokes

[corsair91]

A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The ole cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and safely parked it.

Two weeks later, the ole cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

[corsair91]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a
shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

[corsair91]

Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[corsair91]

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked

doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?




A cowboy was out riding his horse when he was captured by 3 Indians
The Indians tell him, "We'll give you three wishes before we kill you." The cowboy says, "Okay, well I gotta talk to my horse." So the cowboy whispers in his horse's ear and off runs the horse, through the creek and up the hill and out of sight. Shortly the horse returns with a beautiful naked redhead on its back. The cowboy takes her behind a tree and fucks her like it's gonna be his last time. And off goes the redhead.

The Indians tell him, "Two more wishes." The cowboy says, "I dont know, I gotta talk to my horse." So the cowboy, once more, whispers into his horses ear and off runs the horse, through the creek and up the hill and out sight. About a half hour later, the horse returns with a beautiful naked blonde astride its back. The cowboy shakes his head, takes the blonde behind the tree and once more gives her his all. And the blonde runs off.

The Indians inform him, "One more wish." The cowboy grabs his horse by its ears and looks it directly in the eye and says out loud, "I said POSSE!"

[corsair91]

Texan Wisdom


1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

9. Don't squat with your spurs on.

10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.

14. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

15. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

16. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

18. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

19. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

20. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

21. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.

22. Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

23. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along...and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep...your mouth shut.

[corsair91]

A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."

[corsair91]

A Cowboy was going deer hunting..
His blonde wife said she was going with him..
That they never did anything together..
So, they went..
He put her in a stand by herself..
Later in the morning he heard her shoot..
He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on..
The guy was telling her, Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot..
I just want to take my saddle off of him!

[corsair91]

The Top 25 Alabama Country Songs of All Time

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woken Up With a Few
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the number 1 Alabama Country song of all time is
1. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

[corsair91]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[corsair91]

Redneck Shorts Jokes


Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
spare a loved one.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.